I'm trying to come up with a more archaic way of saying the following:
quote:
The words carried on the breeze like a pollution.
Without using pollution. What would fit with a character living in 5th century Ireland? I don't want to use smoke unless it can be made clear that it is an unclean kind of smoke, rather than a fire. Pollution and contamination are the best words I can come up with, but I'd like something that better fits the period.
I don't ask for much, do I?
Many thanks
R
I haven't had any coffie today, so my best is still sleeping, but I can give it a wack:
for the use of "smoke"
The words carried on the breeze like the thick smoke of burning {anything that burns with thick smoke... i drew a blank there}
In 5th century Irland, they'd still be speaking in Celtic, so if your bringing it into English, it would technically not really matter how it comes out.
It's such an eloquent portrayal of your perspective on writing. I appreciate it a lot.
-"The words carried on the breeze like burning pitch (or tar)." I don't know if they would have had that in 5th century Ireland, you would need to research. Also, the simile would work best if your viewpoint character was at least a little familiar with shipbuilding. On a related note, burning coal (if they had it) produces a nasty black smoke.
-"The words carried on the breeze like the smoke from a funeral pyre." Did the Irish do funeral pyres?
-Does it have to be smoke? Could it just be a bad smell: "The words carried on the breeze like the fumes from a week-old corpse." Or something.
I don't know if any of those work, but maybe one of them will spark an idea that will.
--Mel
I'm really not sure, I think they might, I was thinking about that one myself, but I was, and still am, too lazy right now to try looking it up (coffee is a crutch, and I don't care)... I like the sound of burning pitch though...
[This message has been edited by RavenStarr (edited April 15, 2005).]
I don't think the pre-Christian Irish used funeral pyres - its more an Anglo Saxon thing. I may be wrong here. Can anyone provide a link to prove that they did? Fire, as one of the elements, was used in celebration, particularly at at the high celebrations of Lughnasa, and Bealtine (which means beautiful fire). It would have been a positive thing.
Its good so far though. A general bad odour is a good idea, but I think it has to be something specific - something personal and repugnent to the pov character.
Hmmm... Any other ideas?
R
[This message has been edited by RFLong (edited April 15, 2005).]
?
Or something like that.
Like an aroma best not mentioned.
"...like the stink of a drunkard's fart."
"...like the corruption of rotting meat."
"...like the stench of a week-old corpse."
"...like the odor of a dung-heap."
I'm not suggesting these particular ones; my point is that you can easily come up with dozens of these, and you are the person who is qualified to pick the one that best fits your story.
You can use a thesaurus to find other words for "stench" and maybe for "rot", "pollution", etc.
You could also mess around w/ the other part: "the words assailed me" or whatever, and then something different for your simile.
Have fun.
Gard
Sorry about all the edits.
[This message has been edited by Beauregard Doumitt (edited April 16, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by Beauregard Doumitt (edited April 16, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by Beauregard Doumitt (edited April 16, 2005).]
lots of ideas here.
R
mi·as·ma
n. pl. mi·as·mas or mi·as·ma·ta (-m-t)
A noxious atmosphere or influence: “The family affection, the family expectations, seemed to permeate the atmosphere... like a coiling miasma” (Louis Auchincloss).
A poisonous atmosphere formerly thought to rise from swamps and putrid matter and cause disease.
A thick vaporous atmosphere or emanation: wreathed in a miasma of cigarette smoke.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[from the Greek, pollution, stain, from miainein, to pollute.]
I'll bet those smell. Probably the worst smells I've ever experienced were rotting carcasses of various critters. I'm sure you're all glad to know that. Probably a more common experience in Middle Ages than now.
--Mel
As mikemunnsil said 'miasma' is also a good one, it used to mean a vapour that carries disease.
The only problem is that a 'miasma' doesn't move, it hangs around like a bad smell, a fog. A breeze would disperse it.
The critics, he says, "will sit in their large automobiles, spewing a miasma of toxic gas into the atmosphere, and they will thank you for not smoking a cigarette."
--Charles E. Little, "No One Communes Anymore," New York Times, October 17, 1993
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited April 18, 2005).]
quote:
Isabella:That, had he twenty heads to tender down
On twenty bloody blocks, he'ld yield them up,
Before his sister should her body stoop
To such abhorr'd pollution.
Measure for Measure by Mike Mu--I mean W. Shakespeare.
[This message has been edited by MaryRobinette (edited April 18, 2005).]
At the moment the phrase stands as "stench of corruption", but I'm not really happy with that either.
Miasma would be great but as detailed above, the "whatever" needs to be detected across or through water. The character has merged with a body of water and it is the sound that brings him back to reality as he is attacked.
That said I may just go back to the original sentence - It has a simplicity to it that appeals.
(Why do I do this writing malarky again?)
R
*sigh*
R
The original quote was:
quote:
The words carried on the breeze like a pollution.
How about something like this:
"The breeze was polluted by the sound of words..."
mix it up a little - the term "polluted" doesn't sound quite so 21st Century as "pollution"
?
ps Elan, it wasn't just you!!!
[This message has been edited by RFLong (edited April 19, 2005).]
quote:
"The breeze was polluted by words..."
A time when passive voice works better than active, in my opinion, anyway.
The words carried like a pollution on the breeze.
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited April 19, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by Kickle (edited April 20, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by Kickle (edited April 20, 2005).]
I guess it's the price you pay when you try to plug in a word that has taken on new meanings. Darned language keeps changing. As my kids constantly remind me... the word "thong" no longer means a pair of shower slippers and they get annoyed when I use that word to refer to footwear...
Ok, had to do that. Sorry, it's late. I'll probably delete this tomorrow with many apologies.
heh
heh
heh
my dad once said to me that when a woman gets married all she's thinking is: "aisle altar hymn"...
thongs are cool, to our friend LIMO they are called Jandals in New Zealand.
Thanks guys for all suggestions. It certainly proved that there is more than one way to skin a cat... Hang on, am I channeling HSO?
But anyway, it was very interesting to see all the possible variations. I ended up with a sort of combination of a couple of them. I don't have it to hand, but something like
... words, harsh and gutteral. They polluted the breeze like the stench of carrion.
The story is winging its way across the Atlantic as we speak (or mouldering in a post room in Dublin's General Post Office). Many thanks for all the help.
R
[This message has been edited by RFLong (edited April 21, 2005).]
