Dark. Low Fantasy WARNING: Sex (not graphic) in the first paragraph
Would like crits on whole piece (3780 words) in addition to the opening. - - - - - - -
The mud bricks of the ceiling were cracked. Verwolin had ample opportunities to notice. She worked on her back in those days. Actually, she also worked on her knees, and leaning against walls, but on this day she was on her back, staring up at the cracked ceiling. Her skirt was hiked up around her waist. As the elf atop her sweated and grunted, Verwolin was spending the obsidian coins in her head. Ten sid, minus the three sid tribute left her enough for a piece of brown bread.
As the elf lifted his lanky frame from hers, her stomach growled. The elf winked his one good eye at Verwolin and threw some coins on the floor near the bedroll. She reached for them; there were five. She shouted but the elf’s long legs had already carried him past the door to the stairs and his head disappeared from view.
Two coins - nothing to eat today, unless she could catch and kill a rat, or another trick. Verwolin straightened her clothes and raked her fingers through her hair, then headed back to the parlor to lounge, and look available. She moved carefully down the stairs. The problem with stairs was they made her knees ache. Whoring was for a younger women. There wasn’t as much whore left in her as pain.
[This message has been edited by Debbborra (edited May 03, 2005).]
Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :
He gives her five coins, yet in the next paragraph she only has two. What happened to the rest of them?
Posted by Debbborra (Member # 2538) on :
The previous paragraph tells that she has to give three for tribute ( cost of doing business.) Should I mention the tribute again?
[This message has been edited by Debbborra (edited May 03, 2005).]
Posted by NewsBys (Member # 1950) on :
Yeah maybe. I figured it up, but it couldn't hurt to mention it again. Obsidian coins huh. Weird. They would be sort of fragile and kind of sharp on the edges. Wouldn't they wear out a money pouch pretty quickly? Like the name "sid" though. POV sounds good. I'd read more.
Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :
Oh, I didn't connect sid with money somehow. Too early in the morning, I guess. When I look at the first paragraph again it seems clear enough.
Posted by Debbborra (Member # 2538) on :
Thanks guys. Is that an actual offer NewsBys or just an aside?
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Elves paying for sex? This is a new one to me. I've seen 'em sweat and grunt, but paying for sex is real out there.
I think that you're trying to do something interesting with the opening...showing Verwolin's deliberate detachment from what's going on between her legs and all that. It isn't quite working.
For one thing, you open by commenting on the cracked "mud bricks" of the ceiling. That's not really possible. I'm also puzzled by the implication that it would be unusual for her to have more than one trick in a day. And the tribute seems a bit low. But plausibility issues aren't really how you judge a fantasy.
It's more a sense of inconsistency. The character and setting feel more like scraps pasted in from elsewhere rather than coherent inventions. Crumbling mud bricks, only pasted to the ceiling to show that she's on her back. An elf, to show it's fantasy, but paying for sex, because she's a whore. Seven coins for a meal, obsidian because...?
The prose isn't bad. And I'd guess that you're going somewhere with the story. But I just can't buy into it.
Posted by Debbborra (Member # 2538) on :
Interesting perspective. I'll take another look with those points in mind. Thank you.
Posted by Dude (Member # 1957) on :
Interesting beginning - got me curious to see what happens next. I'll read it if you like, but it will probably be a week before I get it back to you. Send to fsilv01s@uis.edu
Posted by NewsBys (Member # 1950) on :
Yeah, I'll read it.
Posted by Debbborra (Member # 2538) on :
Dude! NewBys! Thanks. Doing a last minute edit then emailing it out. Thanks again. -D
Posted by Judas (Member # 2526) on :
Good start...I'd love to read it.
Posted by Rikku_Harding (Member # 2555) on :
Don't laugh...I had to re-read the first paragraph to understand what was going on. Wooh! I need sleep. Hee hee!