This [1st draft] story is written for The First Line magazine. If you aren't familiar with The First Line, they give you the first sentence and you have to write the rest of the story.

My dilemma is that my story 2000 words too long. I've mentally marked several sections to be condensed and summarized, but I'm sending this out for crit to get an unbiased consensus before I do so.

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to hack and slash your way through this tale with reckless abandon, marking the passages / sections which you feel are extraneous (there's plenty of this). You DO NOT need to bring the word count down to 3000 -- I will take care of that -- just look for and mark the wordy bits. The usual crit comments on plot and characters are also appreciated.

Thanks in advance,

HSO

***
A Means to an End

Having little to his name when he died, the reading of Henry Fromm’s will went quickly. Five minutes, actually, and what trinkets remained of the eccentric’s once vast estate were bequeathed to various charities and quack organizations that had already bled the man dry while he was alive.

To her chagrin, Catherine Fromm inherited a half-finished manuscript--supposedly authored by a famous occultist she had never heard of, and who (her brother's will dubiously claimed) had died from spontaneous combustion while writing it. How absurd. She scowled as she scribbled her signature to release the manuscript to her care, and she scoffed when the lawyer asked her to “hang out a moment” because there was a private matter to discuss, and only then would the manuscript be relinquished.

“Is this really necessary?” Catherine asked.

***

EDIT: I've changed "famous horror writer" to "famous occultist", as I feel this works better overall with the theme and plot.

[This message has been edited by HSO (edited May 08, 2005).]
 

[edit--FC6]

[second edit--How the hell did you work in...oh, never mind. I'll see it when it gets here. This should be good!]

Joe

[This message has been edited by onepktjoe (edited May 08, 2005).]

[This message has been edited by onepktjoe (edited May 08, 2005).]
 

Looks interesting. I'll read.

--Mel

[This message has been edited by MCameron (edited May 08, 2005).]
 

Send it my way; I'll see what I can do with it!
 

I've got to say, though, that they gave you a terrible first sentence. That first phrase should really be reworded. I forget the fancy name for what is wrong with it, but I would have thought they would know better.
 

I have to say that I think it's an encouraging sign when you've gone that far over the limit. Hopefully it means that you were thinking more about what you wanted to say than how many words you had been told to use saying it.

I can take a look at this if you want, though I warn you that I'm not the man for suggestions on how to make a story shorter
 

Also, for those who have or will participate in the Flash Challenge: I need to delay sending this to you folk, because some of the material in my FC story this weekend has found its way into this story... If I send it to you, you'll know immediately which story is mine in the FC, and we can't have that -- can we? No.

So... please be patient, Flashers. I apologize for the inconvenience.

EDIT: If you have or will be participating in the Flash Challenge this weekend, can you please edit your post to let me know? A simple "FC6" would do fine. Again, I'm really sorry to withhold this from you. --HSO

[This message has been edited by HSO (edited May 08, 2005).]
 

Joe:

quote:

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How the hell did you work in...oh, never mind. I'll see it when it gets here. This should be good!

---

It's not what you think. I didn't work in the trigger. I started this First Line earlier in the week and wrote roughly a scene per day. The Flash Challenge happened in between scenes for this story, and I wrote something in my flash story that I liked a lot, so I appropriated it into this story. And since I'm not particulary thrilled with my flash this week, I'm not worried about doing that.

That's all it is, just a few sentences on a subject borrowed from the Flash.
 

that, and I've been doing an intense yoga workshop all weekend (with Doug Swenson) and am exhausted.)

Send me the rest and I'll give it a good read-through.
 

I enjoy looking for ways to trim a ms. down, and this story looks right up my alley. I'd love to read it!
 

quote:

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I liked what I read, although you seem to plop in alot of SAT words that stand out like a sore thumb.

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Stephen, do note that I've been out of High School since 1989. My vocabulary then was much better than it is now. The words I've chosen are not big, fancy words.

Bequeathed is the only word I can think of that says "gave away his stuff after he died" using only one word. There might be others. I avoided using the big words like "heritor" or "heritress" (or even "heritrix"), as these would have been a bit snooty, I feel. Great words for Scrabble. Maybe not the greatest for a story.

Which other words might have given you pause, Stephen?
 

quote:

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Having little to his name when he died, the reading of Henry Fromm’s will went quickly. Five minutes, in fact, and what small things were left of the crazy man's once very big home and stuff were given to some charities and nutty groups that had already gotten most of the man's money while he was alive.

To her shame, Catherine Fromm got a half-done book--which they said was written by a well-known man who liked magic, which she had never heard of, and who (her brother's will said--as if!) had died from sudden burning while writing it. How silly. She frowned as she wrote her name to get the story, and she laughed when the lawyer asked her to “hang out a moment” because there was a private thing to talk about, and only then would he give her the story.

“Do we have to?” Catherine asked.

---

Isn't that much clearer?

[Edited to add: If you can't tell that this is humorous then you must have lost all respect for me by now.]

[This message has been edited by MaryRobinette (edited May 11, 2005).]
 

Thanks, Mary. I'll get right on those changes. :P

actually --> in fact
trinkets --> small things
remained --> were left
eccentric --> crazy man
vast estate --> very big home and stuff
bequeathed --> given
quack organizations --> nutty groups
bled the man dry --> gotten most of the man's money
chagrin --> shame
inherited --> got
half-finished manuscript --> half-done book
supposedly authored --> which they said was written
famous occultist --> well-known man who liked magic
dubiously claimed --> as if!
spontaneous combustion --> sudden burning
absurd --> silly
scowled --> frowned
scribbled --> wrote
release --> get
manuscript --> story
scoffed -->laughed
matter --> thing
manuscript --> story
be reqlinquished --> give her
Is that necessary --> Do we have to?

In almost every case, I prefer the original; the originals are stronger and more precise than the suggested replacements. "vast estate" is simply better than "big home and stuff" to my ear, for a number of reasons, and I'm really surprised to see Ms. Kowal advocating that and the other suggested changes.

Two other points. I'm offended, HSO that you've misspelled the title of this topic. "A Means to and End?" What sort of tripe is this?

And then the only serious one: "hang out a moment" gives me the impression of a young, informal lawyer. Is that what you want?

[This message has been edited by MaryRobinette (edited May 09, 2005).]
 

quote:

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And then the only serious one: "hang out a moment" gives me the impression of a young, informal lawyer. Is that what you want?

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I think I do want it, as it reflects a common way of saying "Hold on" in New Hampshire. But I may not keep it on the editing phase.
 

quote:

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Then maybe you should set the New Hampshire scene better. That could give people an idea of what type of estate the man ownes, adding a bit to the character and the story.

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Can't disagree with that. I do cover this a few pages in, but due to the first line being mandatory, I'm unable to start the story with the setting. So, I chose to wait until Catherine had good reason to consider her location, since this story is entirely in her POV.
 

As it turns out, I had a very simple idea for how to make the story much shorter and give it more punch. Of course the suggestion would probably seem rather unorthodox to most people. But I'm rather pleased with proving my earlier assertion wrong. Apparently I am the man for suggestions on how to make a story shorter.
 

First Line stories do have a minimum word count of about 300 words, so maybe Survivor's approach wouldn't work.
 

I have to say that I'm surprised the intent of my rewrite wasn't apparent. I thought the substitution of "estate" with "very big house and stuff" was a dead giveaway. (Mental note to use emoticons more often...)
 

:\ It also looks like I'm slow in other ways. Sorry, HSO...it's coming, I promise....
 

Someone had that web site that automatically did it for you, but it was a bit over-the-top with some of its translations.

Oh, crumbs. I can't resist a few lines of blatant stereotypical and possibly offensive fun (first sentence untouched, of course):

Having little to his name when he died, the reading of Henry Fromm’s will went quickly. Man, that only took five minutes -- you know what I'm saying? -- and whatever bling-bling Shorty had left got snatched up by those mother****ing freaks, yo. You feeling that, my brother? I ain't lying -- you know I ain't. If they ain't got it all when you breathin', then they'll come for it after someone pops a cap into ya. That's for sure.

So, dig this: Shorty's sis, Kitty, well, she got some jive half-done book that ain't gonna be found in the home and garden section of Barnes & Nobles, if you feel me. They say, and get this, my man: the cat who wrote it was into some weird ****, yo. Ghosts, even. Like Patrick Swayze in the flick with Whoopie that my woman made me watch. Damn, Whoopie ain't had eyebrows since 1980. What's up with that? She's freaky. But even freakier is that the guy who wrote that ****ed up book burned up like a Christmas tree in the middle of January. Poof! They say the book iced him. Word, yo.

Anyways, Kitty thought the whole thing was straight-up whack. And she said to the get-out-of-jail-free man, "Yo! What kind of honky **** is this? Why you dissin' me? Like I ain't got better things to do."

***

Okay, raise your hand if that offended you...

Edit: Props for "half-done" book goes out to the funny lady in Portland, people. You know who I'm talking 'bout? I'm talking about MaryRobinette, all. You better believe.

[This message has been edited by HSO (edited May 11, 2005).]

[This message has been edited by HSO (edited May 11, 2005).]