For most of his life, Jimmy had this pesky voice in the back of his head frustrating him like a bee that could not be swatted away at. It really made him feel like something was missing in his life. So when his was 14 he made himself forget it and never listened to it again. Now he felt that nothing was missing and he just went through his life on auto pilot. Not caring about a single thing and just sort of, being there.
[This message has been edited by Sisa Limpson (edited May 10, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by Sisa Limpson (edited May 10, 2005).]
Posted by autumnmuse (Member # 2136) on :
Sisa, to protect your publication rights there are rules against posting more than 13 lines (manuscript format) on this site. Also, you need to tell us what you expect: a critique on those lines, or do you want people to request the rest for you to email them? There are topics in the workshop that tell you how to go about doing this, I suggest you read those threads before posting.
Please remove the extra lines before asking for comments on this piece. Sorry if that is harsh, but we are trying very hard to be respectful of everyone here.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Please be aware that this forum is not for the purpose of publishing your stories. To protect both your rights and the status of the forum, you shouldn't post more than thirteen lines of your story.
You can get a lot of valuable feedback just on the first thirteen lines, if you like, and you can ask for volunteers to read more.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
Ditto. And I'll be happy to comment.
Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :
My initial thought at reading this is that it's about nothing. Voices in the character's head? That sounds promising... oh... doesn't hear voices anymore? Then we got a whole lotta nothing going on. There's no hook to your first 13 lines and nothing that intrigues me to go further.
Posted by Sisa Limpson (Member # 2564) on :
Its not the first 13. Sorry. It's kind of in in the middle or the book. Man, if this was the begining of the story it would stink.
Posted by benskia (Member # 2422) on :
Hi. I'd probably only make a few small changes to that to make it a bit easier to read:
For most of his life, Jimmy had this pesky voice in the back of his head frustrating him like a bee that could not be swatted away (*at). It really made him feel like something was missing in his life. So when his was 14 he made himself forget it and [vowed] never [to] listen(*ed) to it again. [The feeling quietly went away] (*Now he felt that nothing was missing) and he just went through his life on auto pilot. Not caring about a single thing and just sort of, being there.
*remove the text in brackets.
Other peeps on here could rewrite it a lot more interstingly than I just did. But it would be sufficient in the middle of a story I think.