She was walking just a little bit faster now. Her arms were tightened up more than usual, briefly swaying in a quick, and yet disturbingly inefficient manner (arm swaying is, after all, for balance, is it not?). You know, that disgusting little walk all the prissy girls walk when they get really excited? I suppose she had reason to display her emphatic femininity; it was a very special day for this curiously dense schoolgirl. There were balloons all over the park. Pink, sky blue, peach—even clear ones—were tied to the swing sets, the monkey bars, and the plastic slides. Just away from the pebbled playground was a gigantic yellow freckled moonwalk sporting the name of some ghastly new teen TV show on its side. There were picnic tables out, littered with everything from soy foods to double double chocolate cake. And the most ridiculous part of the scene I was only just taking in: the gobs of tweens in mini skirts and low-cut shirts were rushing toward her with the largest box that I had ever seen.
That was my cue. So I, Jenna Doland, Colletesville School Nurse, smoothed out my dress, not-so-femininely swung my purse about my shoulder, and started through the dark green sea of grass, to met the little lass.
The ONLY time women are even slightly conscious of the way they walk is if they are deliberately strutting in front of a hot guy, or if they have spike heels on and are praying they don't trip and fall on their ass. If you were able to hear the inner dialog going on inside a woman's brain, you would get a lot more of the "Oh god I hope I don't trip" going on.
Don't try so hard to sound like a woman. Sound like a PERSON first. *smooch*
I think there are two reasons why I was doing that. First, I want this woman "speaking" to be a sort of prude... something to show an older/more... refined woman who doesn't think on the level of "popular society". Second, it is a critique of the girl's walking mannner, not the actual woman critiquing her own walking.
But reading over it, it is hard for me to imagine that the narrator is a woman. Should I junk that whole critique of the walk and put in something more... more what? Should I expend some time making her a tomboy? Should I make the narrator a man anyway?
It's a question I've been asking myself for a while... how DO women think
quote:
It's a question I've been asking myself for a while... how DO women think
No man really knows for sure. But here's what we do know:
They don't think like men.
Another thing creeps me about this scene. The nurse has obviously watched her more than once, because she knows what she normally does and how she normally walks. So she focuses on this specific girl often, but hardly notices the others. Kind of stalkerish. But maybe that was what you were going for.
He was walking just a little bit faster now. His arms were tightened up more than usual, briefly swaying in a quick, and yet disturbingly inefficient manner (arm swaying is, after all, for balance, is it not?). You know, that disgusting little walk all the prissy boys walk when they get really excited? I suppose he had reason to display his emphatic masculinity; it was a very special day for this curiously dense schoolboy.
That should highlight it for you. If you can't fathom a male of your acquaintence "displaying his emphatic masculinity" it probably won't fly in the reverse for women, either. 
quote:
We're different from women that way
I should hope so!! 
But it still sounds like a man talking about a woman, rather than a woman talking about herself.
An older, more prudish nurse, is not going to stand there and think all those thoughts about the child's femininity, or her own as she moves her purse and smooths out her dress.
Men, I've noticed, tend to write that women obsess about thinking about these things, and for the most part they don't. Not in this way. I wish I could figure out just exactly how to describe to you where the characterization deviates from real behavior.
The problem, I think, is that you are focusing in an unrealistic way on her perception of her femininity. You should work that in, in a far more subtle way. For instance a quick glance in the mirror to adjust hair or make-up, smoothing the dress is OK, but not all this use of the word femininity... that pulls the reader right out of the story.
Let me make a try here:
She was walking just a little bit faster now. She was bouncing down the sidewalk in that way all little girls her age do when they get really excited. I suppose she had reason to display her enthusiasm; it was a very special day for this curiously dense schoolgirl...(yadda yadda)
That was my cue. So I smoothed out my dress and swung my purse over my shoulder, then started through the dark green sea of grass to met the little lass. Jenna Doland, Colletesville School Nurse to the rescue. (or whatever emphasis you need to place on her participation at this point.)
See? You can mention the purse, the dress smoothing, but leave it at that. We'll pick up on the fact that she is feminine. By repeating the word "feminine" over and over, you lose credibility in the description.