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Aria kicked off the ground, humming her song louder and louder as she went higher ad higher. The seven-year-old felt like she could reach out and touch the sky now, with the wind in her hair and the sun on her face. The neighbors were hosting a barbecue party outside and she could hear the other children laughing and screaming with delight. The smell of the hamburgers washed over her and she stopped signing. She felt very sad all of a sudden, knowing that she could never be a part of that world. As she watched them, tears threatened to spill over her cheeks and she moved closer to the fence, placing her tiny hands on the hard-wire. She tightened and released her grip until finally, a small boy came to a sudden halt, causing the young girl behind him to crash into his back. Neither of the pair fell over and the blond girl turned to stare in the same direction as her friend. Her blue eyes widened in fear and she turned away but the boy did not, preferring to alert the others of her silent presence,
"Hey," he called out," that scary girl has come to stare at us again! Go away, red-eyes, you're scaring everyone!"
Aria kicked off the ground, humming her song louder and louder as she went higher aNd higher. [The seven-year-old]SHE [Why the replacement? My reaction was: 7-year-old? What 7-year-old?] [felt like she could reach out and touch the sky now, with the wind in her hair and the sun on her face.] [I find it hard to believe anybody feels like she can touch the sky, unless she's delirious.] The neighbors were hosting a barbecue party outside and she could hear the other children laughing and screaming with delight.
[PARAGRAPH]
The smell of the hamburgers washed over her and she stopped signing. She felt very sad [all of a sudden] SUDDENLY, knowing that she could never be a part of that world. [Why not? Tell us -- or reduce the thought to "she wasn't invited." I don't like it when the POV character keeps secrets from me.] As she watched them, tears threatened to spill over her cheeks and she moved closer to the fence, placing her tiny hands on the hard-wire [what's hard-wire?]. She tightened and released her grip until finally, a small boy came to a sudden halt, causing the young girl behind him to crash into his back. [Neither of the pair fell over and] the [blond] girl [If you change identifiers, I end up unsure if it's the same girl] turned to stare in the same direction as her friend. [What direction was that?] Her [blue] eyes widened in fear [I doubt Anna would be thinking about the girl's eye color] and she turned away but the boy did not, [preferring to] alertING the others TO[of] her silent presence[,].
"Hey," he called out," that scary girl has come to stare at us again! Go away, red-eyes, you're scaring everyone!"
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I'm hooked. I want to know why she's scary (the flying?), what the impact on the adult community is (they must know about the flying!), and why she can't play with the others . . . and I care about what she's feeling.
Rahl22- Yes, but like I explained in my comments to wbriggs, three lines later something happens. My first chapter is really more of a prologue to show how my two main characters meet so there's not a huge amount taking place.
NewsBys- She was actually on a swing in her backyard.
Thanks to all who replied!
Here's the thing. From what you say, the main body of the story happens eight years after this indicent, right? And this incident is mostly important because she meets somebody and gets a chance to explain (in seven year old terminology, yet) about her condition?
The text you have here isn't bad, though there are a few minor glitches. But you're telling us that this isn't really part of the story you're trying to tell, it's just the story of a time when she explained something about herself which you want us to know about this character. That's probably a mistaken notion. Of itself, it's mistaken. Showing us that she has some kind of albinism or something is very different from showing her telling about her condition. And it's also mistaken because a lot of the stuff you're showing us is contrary to the story you're trying to tell. You've shown us that the MC is a seven year old who plays by herself in an ill defined way and scares other children. Perhaps some of that is true for the story you're telling, but most of it belongs to the past.
I've always just got to use italics
[This message has been edited by Survivor (edited June 04, 2005).]
If these details about the MC when she was seven are not important, however (meaning that they don't really do much to advance the plot or develop the character), then I would just leave them out. Some of the details you've written could be said during the main story rather than in this prologue (the fact that other children were frightened of the MC). She could breifly mention that to another character rather than having it all said in this prologue.
As a sidenote: I have no idea if I made any sense there. :?
Thanks again for the comments/suggestions, they were greatly appreciated.