Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Tourist Season

This is topic Tourist Season in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Jeraliey (Member # 2147) on :

Sci-fi, ~1400 words, looking for readers. Some profanity, but nothing to get in a twist over.

Tourist Season (working title)

So I guess the first of the Tourists must’ve started poking their heads in around May that year, but it’s like they weren’t all that noticeable ‘til there got to be more of 'em. I mean, shortish and widish don’t really get you noticed in Indy, especially not during race season. And to be perfectly honest, there’s always much weirder-looking folks running around that ain’t even foreign. Hell, I even had a couple in my bar when we got our first Tourist.

I wouldn’t even have noticed them at all if Jess, my weekend help, hadn’t sidled over to me, pretending to look for a bottle of Jack.

“Those folks’re oddities,” she said out of the corner of her mouth, found her bottle, and went back to her side of the bar.

She was right, but I didn’t end up making too much of it at that time. I snuck glances at them the whole time they was there, though. They was kinda stocky, with weird eyes and tiny mouths. One of ‘em was trying to look at everything at once, and the other was following Jess around with his eyes as she worked. I guess that was what stuck those folks in my mind; I was trying to remember their faces to describe to the cops in case they bugged Jess when her shift ended in a half hour.

Thanks!

[This message has been edited by Jeraliey (edited June 17, 2005).]

Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :

Looks good to me. Nice consistency of voice, and though it starts quiet, the capitalisation of Tourist just hints that these particular visitors are from... shall we say, waaaay outta town?

A couple of things; I think "but it's like they weren't all that noticeable..." would read better if the negative was upfront; "but it ain't like they were all that noticeable..."; and Jess's use of "oddities" does itself seem odd - "those folks're kinda weird" or "strange" might sound more in keeping, though Im clearly making assumptions about Jess' vocabulary and speech style based on almost not informatoin whatsoever - just the milieu of the bar she's working in.

Hope that helps. I'll happily critique the full thing.

Posted by Spaceman (Member # 9240) on :

Odd balls would work over oddities. Send it to me if you can wait a couple weeks for the response. (OSC boot camp)

[This message has been edited by Spaceman (edited June 17, 2005).]

Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :

I think it's a good beginning. I'll read the rest, if you like, although it will probably take me a week to get back to you.

Posted by Dude (Member # 1957) on :

Interesting start. I agree that "oddities" just didn't sound right. Also, "sidled" didn't really sound like a word someone who says "they was" would use.

I'll read - fsilv01s@uis.edu

Posted by rickfisher (Member # 1214) on :

No need to change "until" to " 'til ". "Till" is a perfectly good word (in fact it's older than "until").

I'll look at it.

Posted by Jeraliey (Member # 2147) on :

Hey, all! The stories are away. Thanks for your help!

Spaceman, it looks like you have plenty on your plate already. With your permission, I'll give you a miss for now. Maybe I'll catch you next time!

Anyone else want to help me out? Let me know; I can use all the feedback I can get.

Thanks in advance for everyone's time! Hope you're having a great day!

Posted by Spaceman (Member # 9240) on :

No problem--catch you on the flip side.

Posted by Jeraliey (Member # 2147) on :

You bet

Posted by Gingivere (Member # 1936) on :

Well, I'm new at critiquing, but I'd like to read, if you don't mind.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

It seems like fun. I'll have a go at it.

Posted by Jeraliey (Member # 2147) on :

Second round away!