Frantic voices faded in and out, shouting orders at one another. A woman was crying, saying something. “I love you, I’ll see you again soon.” Some type of alarm was going off. He wished it would stop soon. Fluid was filling his lungs, he fought to breath but couldn’t. The thunderous sound of his heartbeat was pounding inside of his head. Then it stopped. More crying. “That’s it, mark the time.”
Silence.
“Hello Jonathan.” said a deep throaty female voice. Yes, that was his name wasn’t it? Jonathan. But he was quite certain he was called something else. It was something a little easier to say than Jonathan. But what was it?
Posted by Silver3 (Member # 2174) on :
I'm confused. I don't have a clue what's going on. However, I am also mildly intrigued, so I might go on reading, provided eveything gets explained real soon.
[This message has been edited by Silver3 (edited June 19, 2005).]
Posted by CTBrandon (Member # 2658) on :
yup...i was somewhat hesitant (and a little irritated) about posting this one when i saw how it looked after 13 lines. the begining was written with quick sentences and brief details to create a little chaos. everything comes into focus within a few more lines.
Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :
Brandon, what are you looking for? Comments on the bit you've posted, or readers for the full thing? How long's the full piece? What genre?
Posted by CTBrandon (Member # 2658) on :
Sorry! I am new to this board and still feeling my way through. To answer your questions...
I am looking for people interested in reading the finished piece based on the very small blurb I posted first.
It is a very short story (about 2300 words) in the sci-fi genre. I actually wrote the piece to use as a building block for other stories relating to the same topic, but haven't gotten that far with it yet.
Thanks for looking, I appreciate any comments I get.
Posted by Meenie (Member # 2633) on :
I thought what was happening was pretty clear and thought the tone was right to reflect the chaos of that moment. I'd be glad to read the rest and see if I was right, LOL. Meenie
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
It's pretty intersting. I really didn't like "deep throaty female voice". I'm not entirely sure what that's supposed to sound like, and I don't think it was well punctuated either.
Overall, you did well enough with the "death scene", it's short but gives the impressions right, and sets up the next scene as a "post mortem" of sorts. I'm not overly fond of the "sow confusion" special effect, but in this case it isn't that confusing, clearly he's just died or gone through something like death, and now he's being interviewed.
By a person with a "deep throaty female voice."
I'll read the rest, if you like.
Posted by CTBrandon (Member # 2658) on :
thanks for the comments! You might be right on the voice description. In my mind its kind of Demi Moore. I'll ponder changing the "deep throaty" to something more descriptive, or just nix it altogether.
Posted by Ray (Member # 2415) on :
I'll read too.
Posted by NewsBys (Member # 1950) on :
I would like to read it.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
You could just say "contralto" then. I don't know if Demi Moore is a contralto, but it is the best term to describe an unusually deep but still distinctly feminine voice.