Beware the thrill— that intoxicating fluttering, the icy rush of the forbidden. Tread there and die many deaths, the slow trudge of a guilty heartbeat.
I dreaded walking through the front door. A late night, I had told her. A half-truth spun during my endorphin high. When I walked in, I wanted her to slap me again and again, for pain would lessen the pain. Instead Sue smiled and gave me a hug.
“What’s wrong?” Sue asked.
I took her soft hand and led her over to the couch. Sue’s eyes pried at mine, trying to see beneath the surface, attempting to cipher the unspoken. ---------------------------- I don't have much beyond this, this is not really a genre I'm familar with or read. Basic plot will be a character that amits to his wife about a one-time affair and deals with the aftermath. This may die where it is, because I can't seem to fit in a speculative element that works for this.
Posted by Jeraliey (Member # 2147) on :
As cool as that first paragraph is, I think it would be more effective if you just started at the second.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
I'm hoping it's cyberpunk.
I agree: I'm hooked, and I'd lose paragraph 1.
Posted by HSO (Member # 2056) on :
I like the potential conflict that is set up here, and I like the guilt the main character feels.
quote:This may die where it is, because I can't seem to fit in a speculative element that works for this.
By speculative, what do you mean? Something SF-ish? Maybe he has an affair with a genetically-modified super vixen or some other such thing. Alien chick? Or, hey... zombies! Evil female ninjas? No? Well... anyway...
Since this is first person, you have an ideal opportunity to tell us the main character's name when Sue first speaks. Instead of only "What's wrong?" it could be "Joe, what's wrong?" or "What's wrong, Joe?" or possibly adding more dialogue when the character doesn't answer, like: "What's wrong?" Sue asked. I didn't answer. "Joe, tell me." You know... lots of options.
The following may be intentional, but I wonder if it might be better suited with a word change to more adequately describe the character's anguish. See word in bold.
quote:When I walked in, I wanted her to slap me again and again, for pain would lessen the pain.
I'm not entirely opposed to the above as written - I'm sort of on the fence with it. Just something to consider -- and perhaps you already have.
Good luck.
[This message has been edited by HSO (edited June 22, 2005).]
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Ditto on dropping the first paragraph. And HSO is right, a speculative element isn't a necessary part of a story, particularly if the story didn't come to you with one attached.
Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :
You might work that first paragraph into the story at a later point - it's not badly written, it just seems out of place as your lead in. Regarding the "pain would lessen the pain"... while we can follow what you mean, it sounds a little weird. Maybe if you said something like, "the physical pain would lessen the emotional pain I felt inside".... that would anchor it a little better.
Posted by bladeofwords (Member # 2132) on :
I think that using that first paragraph somewhere else is a good idea, because I like it, but not there. The pain-pain comments also make sense. I also wonder, do eye's pry at something? It may be true, but this felt a bit awkward. This does sound fairly interesting, although I'm curious as to what speculative elements there might be.
Jon
Posted by Mr_Megalomaniac (Member # 2478) on :
I'll give it a read.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Good point about the fact that there are two distinct verbs spelled "pry", and the one is definitely intransitive.