Hatrack River Writers Workshop: WC#9- First 13

This is topic WC#9- First 13 in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by iamfetch (Member # 2684) on :

I read the first writers challenge i saw, and it just so happened to be number 9, which was written way back in may. So here's what i have got so far. Lay it on me: suggestions, comments, blows to the head, whatever you're in the mood for.

Do you know what it’s like to be bound and chained to a man’s heart, while your own longs for something more substantial, more real? Every morning, I awake and shed a tear, knowing the day will be lived in falsehood. My husband, the Prince of the Black Isles, is a vain and shallow man. His first love is his own reflection, for he is handsome and has many personal maids to prove it. His second love is his marriage to me. I am Princess Zara, who possesses such great talent and skill in the art of magic and can help anyone who seeks it, yet cannot help myself. But being the wife of a prince means masking emotions, especially those of self-pity. So I begin this day as all others, with my maids dressing me and the new Ethiopian slave coming to meet his new mistress. If only he knew how much alike we are.

Thanks for reading! ~Fetch

Posted by NewsBys (Member # 1950) on :

I like it so far. Maybe break it up a little with some paragraph breaks.

FYI - For anyone not familiar with the Rewrite Challenge, here's the link:
http://www.hatrack.com/forums/writers/forum/Forum5/HTML/000033.html

Posted by djvdakota (Member # 2002) on :

Ditto Newsbys.

Especially on the 'looks good so far.'

Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :

I really liked it. Nice intro to the characters.

The only sentence I had a problem with was this one:

quote:
I am Princess Zara, who possesses such great talent and skill in the art of magic and can help anyone who seeks it, yet cannot help myself.

I suggest rephrasing this tangled sentence to something like:
"I am Princess Zara. I possess great talent and skill in the art of magic; I can help anyone who seeks it. Yet I cannot help myself."