“Chairete, Grego!” shouted Uncle Timothy as Gregory took his seat beside him. A game they played. “Kalemera, Theios,” replied Gregory. “Sinto-me doente.” “Qual é o problema?” “Ik heb een hoofdpijn.” “Dat is jammer” “Will you two stop that for one moment?” said Aunt Regina. “I don’t care if you use Greek, but the other two sound like gibberish to me.” “Do you mind?” asked Uncle Timothy. “The boy and I are conspiring, and it’s very hard to do when you keep interrupting.” “Well, you two can conspire after supper.” And with that, she placed a sizable slice of dark turkey meat on Gregory’s plate. She followed with mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, brown gravy, and bread. A glass of iced tea found its way to his placemat. He didn’t like dark meat. He said nothing. Uncle Timothy noticed this, and leaned over. “What’s wrong?” he whispered. Gregory looked around the table. Then whispered back, “Eimai deka okto cronon.” I am 18 years old. “Nai.” Yes. “Giati me therapeúoun όs paidi?” Why do they treat me like a child? Uncle Timothy didn’t answer. The two finished supper in silence.
Posted by Spaceman (Member # 9240) on :
You have three characters speaking in various tongues, yet much of it is not tagged. At least tell me who is speaking as they climb into the cart.
I think Aunt Regina should be more explicit obout not liking the game, maybe soething like 'teaching them *their* language.'
More importantly, there is no hook here. Some people might be pulled in wondering why they are speaking in language soup, but not me, and as far as I can tell, there isn't any story happening yet. I think you need to pull in the reader before you play the game. I'll tolerate strangeness in the first page or two, but something has to be there in the first line to grab my attention. There's nothing realy wrong with this passage, it just needs to come later than the beginning.
[This message has been edited by Spaceman (edited July 09, 2005).]
Posted by Rahl22 (Member # 1411) on :
My previous comments still hold.
Posted by Troy (Member # 2640) on :
I think it's fixed.
Never let it be said that hatrackers always agree on crits.
Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :
Personally, I didn't read past the first few lines. I just prefer to know what the characters are saying to each other. I'm assuming you end up writing mostly in English, but I wasn't patient enough to find out.
Posted by lordnequam (Member # 2716) on :
I have to say that the various languages are somewhat jarring for me. I just try and figure out how to properly pronounce everything, and that kind of pulls me away from the story itself. Also, you don't even mention what half the languages are (we get Greek and, obviously, English, but the other two?).
It seems to flow well, other than that, though I am forced to wonder what the actual scene might contribute to the story. It would probably make more sense in context, I am sure, but alone, it seems a little . . . dull? Amusing interplay, but topically not so engaging.
Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :
Unfortunaly, my opinion is still the same as well. You've gotta tell us what these guys are saying. IMO, at least. But then this is why it's called art, I guess. To each man his muse. But you definitely lost me. Sorry.
Posted by Ransom (Member # 2712) on :
Alright, here's the idea. This scene serves to introduce two very important characters in my story, Gregory and Timothy. What I'm attempting to do is establish a connection between the two, as well as show some of their quirks. Like mowing the lawn, this scene "builds character." I've therefore come to the conclusion that this bit should wait for later in the chapter. Check back for my new introduction. It takes you straight into the plot.
Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :
Yes, if it comes later, after you've already gotten me interested, I'll tolerate reading a few lines I don't understand. (But not very many lines!)