Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Caretaker Redux (With a Question)

This is topic Caretaker Redux (With a Question) in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by MichaelCReed (Member # 2715) on :

First of all, thanks to everyone who replied to the first opening. I wrote it a long while back, when I was stumbling on easy mistakes, and I'm glad to see the suspicion I voiced (namely, that the story was an unexplained mess of too-thick newness) was accurate. I think I held on to it out of nostalgia, really -- it was a very early effort.

I have discarded the old version completely, and begun a new version that opens approximately 20 minutes prior to the previous one. There is a great deal more emphasis on character, and I think the exposition is far better handled.

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There's this dream I have, where there are other people. Starting with Serin, of course, but they're everywhere. The packed-up illumination from the Catseye cluster leaks in through every slit in the ship's armor, making everyone glow. Serin's round, yellow face opens up, and she talks to me with a real mouth, calls me John, says thank you. Outside her coffin, unClamped from zero Kelvin, she presses the thin stack of her rib cage into my chest and feels warm. She has a smell. Everyone suddenly exists, and the Verity is a memory I can have compressed along with the last hundred years of my life.
The Brane calls it The Eden Dream. Usually I wake up feeling stupid.
"I had it again," I lied.
"No you didn't," the Brane said, in its copy-of-me voice.
"Check for yourself," I shrugged. The Brane didn't have eyes -- what would be the point when mine worked just fine -- but I was certain my cerebrum had a now-he's-shrugging pattern that it could pick up on.
"You're trying to dupe me, naturally." It made a sound that was approximately a sigh. "Fine. Go and look at her; you're getting a compression in 336 hours anyway." The voice sharpened, became copy-of-my-teacher's. "There are nearly 50,000 other Lots to be concerned with, though," it said. "Stray from the schedule this time, and when I'm done watching your dreams I'll scatter your Cortex,
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I am aware that beginning in a dream is cliche, but since he is not actually having the dream, it is at least less typical. Also, the dream itself is important to the story, and reveals a lot about his character. Anyway, like OSC said, "the first paragraph is free." What I'd like to know -- especially with less action here -- is the same as before: does it build enough inertia to make you want to turn the page? Is it still confusing? I was about to spend some time selling my story just now, convincing everyone just-how-cool-it-is, but I'm experienced enough to know by this point that if the story itself doesn't do that job, nothing I advertise matters at all. So, does it?

[This message has been edited by MichaelCReed (edited July 10, 2005).]

Posted by Jeraliey (Member # 2147) on :

This is lightyears better than your first try. Yeah, I'd probably turn the page

Have fun writing the rest!

Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :

You got me really good. And you made the dream part interesting, so I didn't find it cliche. Much better!

[This message has been edited by pixydust (edited July 10, 2005).]

Posted by abby (Member # 2681) on :

I like this version better too. I am jsut confused enough to want to read on to understand everything that is going on. I still think some of the terms may need a little more clarification, but they can come later as part of the story.

Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :

It's a lot better than the last version, yes.

As for the dream - starting with dreams is probelmatic, as you know, but I thought you got through it well enough. But still - do you absolutely need the dream? There are probably a number of stronger beginnings you could choose.

Is Serin really a good name for the love interest? I see "Serin" and I think "nerve gas" which is probably not what you're going for. (yes, I know the spelling is different.)

I didn't understand the conversation with the Brane. How's Our Intrepid Hero trying to dupe the Brane? What's a compression and what does it mean to Our Intrepid Hero? Is the Brane really threatening to scatter his cortex or is that a comradely joke?

Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :

Hmm. While I think this is better than the first version, I'm still not hooked. It's still too confusing for me. There is no context yet and you have too many concepts going on. I'd pick the central concept and stick to only that one and use your first 13 to build from there.

Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :

I think this is a significant improvement, giving the chance ot get anchored into a character rather than just being totally bewildered. The puzzlement is still there (what's the Verity? A deep-freeze spaceship, at a guess... what's a Brane? Some sort of linked AI, maybe... what's a compression? No idea yet... what's a Lot? One of the frozen passengers, but is this a Biblical reference, or is the capitalisation there for another reason?). But - depending, again, on the intended length of this - I think I'd give it a go (if it's a short story, the speed of introducing all these is fine; if it's a novel, take it a little bit easier, relax, there'll be plenty of time to immerse us).

Re. the name Serin - I don't get nerve gas, I gat a small yellow finch with a very pleasant tinkling song. But then I'm a birder...

Posted by MichaelCReed (Member # 2715) on :

Serin was a free-associate conversion of the name "Sarah," which is partly biblical. The serendipitous association between her blond hair and the yellow bird of the same name (and spelling) worked so well for me that I kept it despite being a homonym for nerve gas.

The story is a short. Otherwise, yes -- I would be going slower. I feel somewhat good about my pacing now; you guessed right about everything but the Verity, something that would be cleared up by 14th line, as would Beth's question about the cortex line, and the deal with compression would be close on its heels. Everything gets explained, bit by bit and as naturally as is possible in a reality that is so totally unfamiliar.

Unfortunately for those who still expressed confusion, I could not possibly make things slower or clearer without making the story far too long and boring for everyone else. I wrote the first fragment and some notes on this story a few months ago but put it down in favor of better projects, and my notes -- as I recently wrote to a friend -- "read like a tract on electroplating, or the tiny, convoluted print on the outside of a microchip." There's a lot of backdrop to deal with. I am writing the story as an exercise in exposition (my justification to my wife, who wants me to start writing more things for publication), but also because I think the premise is cool and the storyline entertains the hell out of me -- and would a lot of other people too, I hope.

I don't like starting with a dream, but John is a dreamer and it can't be helped, really. I named him John unconsciously; it is one of the more subtle religious references -- in this case St. John the Devine, who dreamed of the end of the world. In a way, that's what my John is doing. There are some more overt biblical references -- the name of the ship is The Nineveh, for example, which (I am not going to be boring and explain it either here or in the story) is a near-perfect name for a ship with its particular function and inhabitants. And anyway, I like the dream. It reminds me of the dreams I wish I had at night: a sloppy, adolescent vision of personal joy. The writing in the first paragraph is not as pretty as I'd prefer, though. I'll probably rewrite it. It will still be a dream, though.

Anyone who has some more input, I'd love to hear it. I am going to start writing the complete story soon, and I would be interested to know how well the concepts were grasped in this tiny section. This isn't a good piece to judge in 13 lines, honestly, but when I'm done I'll want interested and/or brutal readers. I'll advertise when I have it, but I'd love to know who's interested because -- slathering puppy that I am -- it'll make me work faster. lol

~MR

Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :

So you have no intention of making the opening clearer, despite this being an exercise in exposition? That's an interesting approach. Best wishes.

Posted by lordnequam (Member # 2716) on :

The story has momentum . . . unfortunately, for me at least, it is not all pushing in the same direction. There are points where my mind stops and tries to figure things out, how they go together.

I try to figure out why a ship's armor would have slits to let the light in.

I think Serin is a real person, only to find out that her face is splitting open and there's a real mouth inside.

I'm confused by why its "unClamped" instead of "unclamped."

A lot of it is either me being nit-picky, or simply slow in the head, but they were my initial reactions on the story. Going back, re-reading a few of the more difficult parts, I can figure out the intent, or suspend disbelief because the description, for the first part, is a dream, and dreams aren't supposed to make real-world style sense. But most people won't re-read part of a story to absorb it better. They'll just flip to the next story, and hope it doesn't throw them off in the first paragraph.

Still, the overall momentum pushes in a good direction, and I'd read further, if there were more story to read.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

This is pretty interesting, but I don't know why you're posting it.