Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Dimension again...

This is topic Dimension again... in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by hopekeeper (Member # 2701) on :

If I was to be honest, I would say that this was written as a twenty three line segment. Let me know how THIS one turned out...

It was late into the day when William Braxford heard a commotion inside the science compound. Peering through the smoked glass—they didn’t let anyone under the age of 18 inside—he saw the source of the clamor. Three security officers surrounded his brother Paul, ushering him to the door while he hollered. That figured; leave him alone for two hours and something like this was bound to happen. It wasn't unusual, that is Will wasn't surprised that it would take three men to calm him down. From what he could see, Paul was yelling out to the entire building, making obscene hand gestures as well. The three officers seemed to be having a difficult time, but they were nearing ever closer to the door.
"Excuse me." Came a voice from behind him. "Do you have authorization to be here?"
"Just a moment," Will replied. He stepped aside quickly as the doors flew open and his older brother was expelled into the street.
His usually sharp suit was now smudged with dirt. Paul had already gotten to his feet, a small rock in his hand. He hefted it in his hand before launching it through the window of the building. "Research that!" he yelled without remorse.

It goes on to say much of what I said in my earlier attempt. Any readers of the first 23 would be appreciated.

[This message has been edited by hopekeeper (edited July 12, 2005).]

Posted by Jeraliey (Member # 2147) on :

I think it might help if you stopped worrying about revising this and wrote the rest of your piece.

$0.02

Posted by hopekeeper (Member # 2701) on :

I have "the rest of my piece" already written. I'm going back through with a different perspective, therefore there isn't much to think about. I just need the beginning to be good sooner or later, right?
I only started this two days ago anyway.

Posted by Jeraliey (Member # 2147) on :

In that case, it might be more helpful for you to solicit full critiques. It doesn't matter how gorgeous your first thirteen lines are; if the rest doesn't measure up, you'll still get rejected. My recommendation, to take or leave, is that you send your full piece (if it's ready) to a couple of volunteers so the whole thing can be uniformly disassembled and polished up.

I believe I'm up to $0.04

Posted by Spaceman (Member # 9240) on :

If it's under 5000 words I'll read it.

Posted by hoptoad (Member # 2145) on :

I like it a lot better.

But that's just me.
I would rearrange the idea sequence here:

Three security officers surrounded his brother Paul, ushering him to the door while he hollered. That figured; leave him alone for two hours and something like this was bound to happen.

Make it crystal clear.
I would offer a full critique but can't right now, maybe Jeraliey.
(Although Jeraliey is a bit of a neologificationist for my liking ).

Posted by hopekeeper (Member # 2701) on :

No no no, I have the STORYLINE written out. Not the actual story. I'm re-doing it all with some major story and character changes. Just pretend I just began. All I have is 23 lines so far.

OH MY GOD HOPTOAD IS SATISFIED!!!
My weeklong goal has been accomplished! Now I can really crack down on the actual writing.

Oh, and hoptoad, would you mind if I used your above sentence word for word?

[This message has been edited by hopekeeper (edited July 12, 2005).]

Posted by hoptoad (Member # 2145) on :

Thats fine.
We are friends here.

Posted by lordnequam (Member # 2716) on :

It took me a bit to get through the "It wasn't unusual, that is Will wasn't surprised that it would take three men to calm him down" sentence, as I was trying to figure out how it read.

The rest of it seems interesting, and grips me more than the last version of this story opening that I saw.

Though, if Paul tossed a stone through a window of a government/corporate building - and I assume he did, since I didn't hear anything about the window being open - wouldn't the security guards rush back out to restrain him and probably call for the cops? After struggling to drag him out of the compound, they probably wouldn't be in a very forgiving mood . . .

Posted by Jeraliey (Member # 2147) on :

C'mon, hoptoad. Everyone loves neologificationists.

I certainly would offer my services for critique, but I already had to reneg on someone else's story...my research and application are taking up ALL of my time. As in, I'm not sleeping. And not writing anything of my own either.

Oh well. Maybe by the time it's written I'll have some stuff cleared off my plate!