Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Rewrite Challenge #9

This is topic Rewrite Challenge #9 - In the Space of an Hour in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by NewsBys (Member # 1950) on :

I'm on a roll this week.

Here's the first 13 lines of my entry for Rewrite Challenge #9. It's about 4000 words.

In case you are not familiar with the Rewrite Challenge, here's the link.

http://www.hatrack.com/forums/writers/forum/Forum5/HTML/000033.html

This rewrite's topic was one of the tales from 1001 Arabian Nights. I chose to go in a slightly different direction. Hope that's OK.

I think it might have potential, so I'm looking for comments on the first 13, and readers for the whole thing.

***

In the Space of an Hour

Walking alone in the moonlit garden, Dina could almost believe that her sister’s stories were real. The moonlight created an atmosphere perfectly suited to Scheredzade’s tales of djinn, romance and bravery.
Despite the Sultan’s open invitation, Scheredzade never visited the gardens. She was too involved with her studies and her stories. For Dina, the moonlit garden held all of the magic of Persia.
Standing in the rose arbor, Dina breathed deep the scents of night-blooming jasmine and roses. Distracted by this, she did not notice Prince Ahri, sitting by the fountain, until he spoke. Then, when he spoke, she thought for a moment he was a djinn from one of Scheredzade’s stories.

***

Posted by djvdakota (Member # 2002) on :

I should make it public.

When you write a rewrite story, send it to me. Always. Just send it. They're my like my grandchildren or something. I want to tack them up on my refrigerator.

Dakota

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

It's interesting. I think that the setting could be a little more developed, if that would answer the question of what, aside from the moonlight, makes this garden so magical.

Posted by NewsBys (Member # 1950) on :

Good thought Survivor, thanks. I think it's a matter of the image being too vivid in my head, so I don't realize I'm not communicating it. I'll work on that.

Dakota, it's on the way to you.