This is the beginning of the novel I've been thrashing around with for four years. It's been fleshed out some and would like some feedback on how it's working. These are the first 14 lines and the title.
THE LOTTERY
This day begins the same as
yesterday and days too many to count. He
awakes alone slipping his numb feet inside
the soft, slightly cushioned slippers.
The diet ordered by his doctor for the
advancing diabetes worked for a time, but
he can’t resist the donuts. His toes may
be without feeling, but he is not. He
remembers how he scolded his daughter for
going without shoes when she was small and
running about. There is no need for shoes
most days since his mail and paper are
delivered to his door.
The empty house embraces him.
Every sound is magnified by its hollow
feel. He calls himself Wood or Deadwood
if he is in a humorous mood. Wood
invokes thoughts of something solid and
strong, not to be pitied and having the
potential for great things. Trees can be
made into vessels and lovingly carved and
conditioned, navigating the seas to foreign
lands. Then again, they can be scarred and
returned to the earth. Scars lie hidden
behind clothing and he knows that someday,
maybe sooner than later, he too will return
to the earth. He enjoys deep thoughts and
analogies. Maybe he will tell his daughter
this metaphor today, if she calls.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
Some comma issues, and a need for paragraph breaks. See Strunk & White, The Elements of Style.
The advancing diabetes hooks me, because it's scary. However, he's careless of it, which makes me care less too. (Technical detail: if his diabetes is this bad and he's still pigging out on donuts, this is going to be a pretty short story!)
Consider dropping paragraph 2, and getting on to whatever action will be happening. It amplifies his hopelessness and his focus on his daughter, but this can be done while something is happening.
Consider using past tense; I don't see an advantage in present tense here.
[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited July 17, 2005).]
Posted by mikemunsil (Member # 2109) on :
Kathleen encourages people writing non-fiction to submit their non-fiction fragments over in the Non-Fiction forum, also. However, there aren't many of us writing non-fiction here and you may get more response from F&F.
Posted by Jeraliey (Member # 2147) on :
Is this nonfiction, or literary fiction?
Posted by LJConnally (Member # 2734) on :
Thanks for your feedback. Isn't F&F fragments and feedback? I know Kathleen said that it was ok to post in the Non-fiction but I had seen that another person had submitted his non-fiction segment to F&F. He also said many people skipped over it so I'm grateful this wasn't.
The referce about the donuts was to point out what a dichotomy the man is. I didn't want him to seem too pitiful. Thanks again. Laurie
Posted by mikemunsil (Member # 2109) on :
As Jeraliey asked, nonfiction or literary fiction? Please clarify for us.
Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :
quote:This is the beginning of the novel
Novels are usually fiction.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
Laurie, here are suggestions I've heard (and have made) for how to respond to critiques. I find these helpful:
"Thank you." OR "Could you please clarify _________?"
Thing is, when you explain to us what you're up to, those explanations don't go into your book, so the reader doesn't benefit! Let your story do the explaining.
Sometimes I'll hear (or say): "Here's what I was trying to convey. Did I succeed?" A variant on "Could you please clarify."
Posted by LJConnally (Member # 2734) on :
The novel, as kathleen said, is usually a non-fiction. This is based on a true story and, therefore, a fiction. My mistake to say it's a non-ficiton. I'm considering writing it from my own prospective. I've also changed the first few 13 lines to include character, setting and conflict. I think I covered the comma problem. The suggestion for making it past tense was good. I have to read up more on response to critiques. Thank you. Laurie I've submitting the revised version.
THE LOTTERY
Day of days
The day began the same as yesterday and days too many to count. He awoke alone slipping his numb feet inside the slightly cushioned slippers. The diet ordered by his doctor for the advancing diabetes helped him somewhat. His toes had no felling unlike himself. There was no need for shoes most days since his mail and paper were delivered to his door. Wood liked to check the numbers and read the obituaries, joking that he wanted to see if his name was there. He had never been lucky with the former, or ill-omened by the latter. On November 18, 1974 he didn’t know what to do with the reality that he became a winner of the weekly lottery. That would require his appearance on television. He wished that he didn’t have the ticket.
The empty house embraced him. Every sound was magnified by its hollow feel. He called himself Wood or Deadwood if he was in a humorous mood. Trees could be made into vessels and lovingly carved and conditioned, navigating the seas to foreign lands. Then again, they could be scarred and returned to the earth. Scars lay hidden behind clothing and he knew that someday, maybe sooner than later, he too would return to the earth. He enjoyed deep thoughts and analogies. Maybe he would tell his daughter this metaphor today if she called. He wouldn’t tell her about the winning ticket.
Posted by Sir William Marshal (Member # 2722) on :
Wait, what? Fiction is fake, non-fiction is real... Are you getting mixed up?
Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :
Sounds like it.
Laurie, fiction means "made up" and nonfiction means "not made up" (or true).
If your book-length manuscript is made up, it's book-length fiction, also known as a novel.
If your book-length manuscript is based on a true story, it can either be totally true and therefore nonfiction, or it could be partly true and fictionalized (or turned into a story).
Posted by LJConnally (Member # 2734) on :
This story is true. I have changed some characters. There are articles and newspaper clippings from 1974 which I have. That was why I wanted to tell it from the first person. I realize now that calling it non-fiction is confusing. What do you suggest I refer to it as? Laurie
Posted by Jeraliey (Member # 2147) on :
A fiction inspired by a true event.
Posted by NewsBys (Member # 1950) on :
Is your POV character a real person? If so, do you have permission to tell this story as if from this person's head? If the views expressed in your story are not endorsed by the real-life people I can imagine that some litigation could arise.
Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :
Moving off at a slight tangent... a great many "non-genre" first novels are autobiographical with enough events, names and locations changed so as to escape risk of litigation. Writers here in the UK such as Jeanette Winterson, Julie Burchill and Zadie Smith have certainly all drawn on their own lives to create well-regarded first novels. Two, at least, have had fairly major problems with following up their first work, because of the need to actually invent something plausible, rather than merely rearrange the "truth" to suit their narrative structure.
I think this may be the origin of the old dictum "everybody has one novel in them". I'm not sure I agree - I can't think of any incidents in my life that would be remotely interesting in novel form - but it clearly does hold true for a lot of people. After all, another common dictum is "write what you know" - and if you don't know your own life, well, you don't know anything!
Posted by LJConnally (Member # 2734) on :
tch & news-the story is about my father giving away a winning lotter ticket and he has passed away. It may be only one novel but I've started other stories including the beginning of a sci-fi. I'm impressed at anyone who can do that because it is much harder to write what you don't know. Laurie
Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :
Laurie - it's certainly an intriguing premise for a story, and I can see why you would want to explore it.
It is harder to write what you don't know - but one of the advantages of fantasy (and to a lesser extent SF) as genres is that you can effectively set your own ground rules, and decide what does and doesn't work. If you create a world, no-one else can tell you how it does or doesn't work!
I've toyed with doing some crime fiction but am daunted because I know I'd want to do heaps of research about forensics, police procedures, etc etc. Whereas with fantasy, while I have done immense amounts of research, it has to an extent been incidental - just part of my general reading (being how I'm the strange sort of person who will read books on Ventian shipbuilding, or the leather industry in the Middle Ages).
Posted by LJConnally (Member # 2734) on :
tch: I enjoy reading Ann Rule books. They are true crime stories including pictures. Like they say, truth is stranger than fiction. I've been drawn to true stories. I believe mikem submitted and was published by a company that noted the draw to "reality TV". It may be the same trend with books. I like scary and off-the-wall books. I've tried books involving other worlds and the characters are too hard to keep track off. I have a hard enough time finding my way around a new area let alone reading a map of a non-existent place. "All things bright and beautiful" was by an author who had no experience writing and told true stories of his veternarian experiences. It was turned down by the publishers. One woman at the publishing house gave it to her secretary to read and she loved it. The books he wrote became best sellers. It's just finding the right formula. Good luck on your research. If nothing else, you're learning about things that are probably intersting to you. Laurie
Posted by Dandelion (Member # 2582) on :
I worked for a time in a large used bookstore, and "Non-fiction Novels" is what we called fictionalized accounts of true (non-crime) events. At any given time, there were 20 copies of Alive and Not Without My Daughter.