In the meantime, I will work on another family friendly (meaning I can write on it when the in-laws are around) type story. Actually, I can say, I was given the idea by the end of a book I read 12+ years ago. I cannot remember the title, or the author, or even the characters names, just I felt the story was not finished. The only way I could solve the problem was by creating four more characters, so I do not accidentally use the same names.
Personally, I do not feel the opening has enough time to generate any information about the characters, just their situation. I think it jumps into the action too fast, I just don't want to get bogged down as to why they are doing what they are doing, since the story is about what happens when they get where they are going. maybe they can refer to things from time to time, that will be about it.
This is a pure fantasy story, with no name yet. I do have character characteristics and13 lightly plotted chapters, just not a name. Thanks for your thoughts.
“I see light ahead,” Grindel shouts.
“Light? Why would there be lights out here?” Catrina worries as she ushers the twins and her children between herself and Grindel.
“No idea, let’s hope it is a good thing.”
They could hear angry shouts behind them. The tiny flickers of distant torches burned as their small family community chased behind, reluctant to allow much needed workers to escape.
“Can we scare them back to their homes? Jana questioned.
“No time, if we had a torch we could throw it at them.”
Nado commented, almost to himself “If we had some plant fiber, I could scare them.”
Turning a corner, they all stumbled into the brightest light they had ever seen. They shielded their eyes with their hands and kept running as best they could, through dense undergrowth. They heard even louder screams as their followers stumbled into the opening. Grindel, glancing back, saw a large animal jump between his family and the chasers.
If you're looking for a reader send it my way.
Yes, your instincts were correct. Let us get to know the characters a little before plunging them into action. Also, if we don't get to know the characters first, then we can't understand the danger either. I had to read it 3 times to catch that they were running away from a community where they are reluctant workers.
I probably missed it because the speed of this frag is very fast. Often, dialogue reads fast. So do shorter sentences and rapid switching between characters. Add to that the fact that the characters are running from danger, and you get a rushed, jumble of names and actions.
Also, I have no clue from this opening whether the story takes place in the future, past, another world, a factory during the industrial revolution, etc. Try dropping hints about the era with a few well-chosen words. For instance, what comes to mind when you read:
Jeff bumped into a forcefield
Jeff bumped into a cannon
Jeff bumped into a classic Ford Mustang
Jeff bumped into a goat cart
Jeff bumped into a peg-legged sailor
Maybe focusing on a single POV character would help all of these problems. Right now I can't tell if Grindel or Catrina is the POV character. You get into both of thier heads during this frag. Were you going for Omni POV?
If you are not going for Omni, try chosing one character and writing the scene through what that person sees, hears, smells, touches, tastes and thinks.
For example, you have:
Grindel shouts
Catrina worries
Jana questioned
If you look in Uncle Orson's writing classes on this board, there is a topic on this subject.
Cheers.
Since this is a novel we know we're going to be in it for the long haul. You have a bit more leeway with character development. We really need a firmer grasp of who we're seeing and feeling before you throw us into such an intense scene. clearer POV may help with this. As to the dialogue tags, I didn't really notice them at first, but it may have been why it read so choppy to me. Sometimes your eye will stop on a descriptive word placed somewhere where you're used to reading "said" or "asked".
On the whole your headed in the right direction I think. There are just all the little nit-picks to give it more clarity.
Hope this helped....
Then in the second paragraph, start with the characterization. Filter this through the POV character.
Use "said" unless you're indicating volume.
[This message has been edited by DavidGill (edited July 22, 2005).]
I guess what gets me with "said" is high school teachers always harped on finding another word, tell what they are thinking or doing instead of just saying. After 15 years, that still sticks in my head.
I didn't realize a Grendel existed. I need something strong and wolf like, as that is the characters nature. May have to look a little more.
Thanks for all the help. I am getting started now. Not only is this one getting going, but ideas for the other book are popping into my head too. It is working as a great distraction. Now to just come up with a title.
My suggestion is to do what David says. Give me the situation clearly.