Hi, this isn't a work to be published, it's a short story I'm submitting to an educational establishment to contribute in the determination of my overall rank for university entrance (it's a long process, I won't go into it). We are encouraged to get it read and critiqued by as many people as possible. However, the whole thing is about 7800 words, and it needs quite a bit of work. I'm sorry again if I'm doing this wrong..this forum is pretty scary - there are some really cut-throat commenters here I've noticed.
1. 1942 The planes buzzed loudly overhead, forming white streaks across the sky as they tore its blue perfection. Phyu Phyu looked up curiously at the sky’s disruption; its pain. Within seconds, the sky was healed, and the wind chanted a sweet sigh of relief. She felt the warm, almost fluttering, breeze blow gently against her golden-brown skin; her old, torn T-shirt falling lightly about her small undernourished body. “Meh-meh , bai saa de,” she whined sweetly, “ye or nwano o thow chin de, shin.” “Meh-meh, I’m hungry, I want to drink water or milk, please.” The familiar, fiery aroma of boiling mohinga wafted lightly through the door behind her mother. It was a spicy scent, delicious and fishy, reminiscent of past gatherings. At these, traditional Burmese song and dance would festively parade the throng of numerous happy, laughing faces. Here, the people would come together to forget the troubles plaguing them; forge strong, lasting friendships; find their one solace. “The mohinga is almost ready, Phyu Phyu. I’ll read you a story from the Payaa saaou’ while we wait for it to cook, okay?” Phyu Phyu nodded, a hint of a smile flattering her small, dry lips.
[This message has been edited by carameL~ (edited July 29, 2005).]
Posted by benskia (Member # 2422) on :
13 lines of 12point text only please.
Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :
Or just read the forum description. But I'll say right now, while you've chosen a subject that should be very interesting, I'm not very interested in reading this story.
Posted by carameL~ (Member # 2750) on :
May I ask why Survivor? Sorry for the inconvenience Benskia and Elan, I'm new here, which (yes, I know) isn't an excuse.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Mostly wordcrafting and scene control problems. I felt like it would be hard work to keep track of what your text actually meant across the length of an entire story. There were also some problems with the plausibility of your central character, POV and mental process things. I didn't buy that she thought as you claim she did, and I wasn't immersed in her POV.
The first is something that you need to decide for yourself as the storyteller. Do you need this character to have thoughts that will seem so unrealistic? If so, then you simply need to find ways to make it seem believable, and that's that. But the second is definitely a matter of technical ability. Immersing the reader in a POV (whether or not it is a standard or common one) isn't a matter of artistic choice (though which POV to use is), you should be doing it.
Don't worry, we're here to try and help each other learn those skills. I'm just saying that I don't think I'd be interested enough in reading this story to give much help on the problems I see. Or rather, I was clarifying that I wasn't so put off by your transgression, it was mostly that I simply wasn't intersted in reading the story further from the sample given.
Posted by carameL~ (Member # 2750) on :
Oh okay, thanks for your help and opinion, Survivor. I had doubts about my opening too, alongside numerous other doubts lol. I'm guessing I'm going to do s**t in this because it's due in about 4 weeks and I'm in the middle of exams at the moment >.< but I'll see what I can do in the redrafting ~
Posted by Spaceman (Member # 9240) on :
I'm thrown completely out of the story by the foreign sentence, mainly because I thought at first that I was looking at some strange phonetic English. After that, I never really picked up the story again.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
That is a point I didn't address specifically. Generally speaking, if the POV character is fluent in the language being spoken, all dialogue should be rendered in the language in which the story is written. I didn't mention it specifically because I wasn't sure what POV you're trying to use here, but it is something to keep in mind.