His body trembled, feeling a cold breeze move past him. He had been day dreaming yet again;
----------------------
Okay, I broke and wrote more than 13 lines, but the style wouldn't have made sense otherwise lol. I know I'm bad, but being a life-long novel length writer, commiting to 13 lines is like telling my Jewish mother to not be neurotic. In the manuscript, part of it is written in italics and bold, to symbolize the difference between his awake thoughts and his dream thoughts/conversation.
Thank You All So Much,
Artistic_Alexis
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited July 31, 2005).]
It’s an interesting opening. I like the way the dialogue runs and I’d be happy to read the first chapter of your novel if it’s not too long.
I have several comments on the first lines however:
quote:
Besides, she is your perfection.”
What does he mean by saying that she is Kayden’s perfection? Does he mean that she is Kayden’s most perfect creation, mirror image, or complement?
quote:
Kayden supposed his sub-conscience was trying hard to calm his nerves.
If Kayden’s sub-conscience was supposed to be calming his nerves then why did it make him remember (or imagine) this seemingly disturbing dialogue?
quote:
He didn’t dream in the sunlight often,
Day dreaming isn’t something you program, whether he daydreams in the shade or in the sunlight is kind of an odd thing to mention.
Good luck!
You might want to check the FAQ page:
http://www.hatrack.com/forums/writers/forum/Forum3/HTML/000004.html
It's difficult to stay within the first 13 rule, particularly if it cuts you off in the middle of a paragraph, but it's not a "more or less" sort of thing. First 13 only. The challenge to YOU is to make your writing hook us, even within that line limitation.
Since your opening is clearly a dialogue vignette rather than narrative prose, I don't think that you really needed to supply the bit where Kayden wakes up. I think most editors would understand what was going on if they saw a properly formatted dialogue vignette leading the text.
That said, the vignette itself is interesting and hints at a strong story concept. I particularly liked the apparent non sequiteur the god figure gives in response to the question about perfection. I also thought that a love story that explored the question of predestination/causality/creation was an intersting direction. I also liked that you chose the name "Lilliana", close enough to "Lilith" to invoke the reference, but not force it on the story.
Besides, it's a pretty name
Anyway, were you just looking for comments on your first thirteen, or for a discussion of the strategy you've outlined? Because I think that the strategy you've described would annoy the hell out of me in just a couple of pages. But that might merely be the effect of trying to describe what you're writing is doing rather than letting your text speak for itself, the way it will have to do anyway.
Or were you looking for something else entirely?
I completely agree that his awakening doesn't have to be there to understand that Kayden was dreaming, but it's for some other facts that are continued on in that paragraph, and every single one after his dreams, that makes it needed. A certain physical response to these dreams.
In the first response, I was happy that you questioned those sentances the way you did, because that is exactly what the main character is doing. He is so confused, and can't ever seem to ask the right questions, and NEVER gets easy answers. I guess by my reader questioning what in the world is going on, I hope they'll want to continue on. But did I make it too out there, that the reader won't give a crud to move on in my story? You guys all tell me.
Like I said, I don't know, from your description, whether or not that will work for me. But your first thirteen lines, by themselves, seemed like a strong beginning that isn't too unconventional for the well-read editor (whether the next few pages are any good I couldn't possibly know, I've seen promising openings on stories that really didn't deliver before, yes I have ).
As for your last question, I'd say it was just "out there" enough to be interesting.