Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Wanderers

This is topic Wanderers in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by uvsc_wolverine (Member # 2755) on :

This is a little something I've been playing with. It's an attempt at writing a somewhat suspenseful narrative, so any critiquing of my writing style would be greatly appreciated!

This isn't the beginning, just the part that I want critiqued. What has been going on is a woman on guard duty, and she's started hearing strange noises. The camp that she is guarding has a perimeter fence that stretches 100 yards out from the clearing where her group is camped, and it shouldn't be possible for any animals to get past the fence. My thinking about the story at this point is that this is a military group looking at possible colonization of a new planet.

The howling gradually subsided, and the night grew still. Cautiously, Janice moved back to the guard house to retrieve her night vision goggles. At first she couldn’t see anything unusual through the green tint of the NVGs, but her eyes quickly adjusted. They were moving very slowly just beyond the clearing. She lifted her shock rifle and made sure it was loaded.
Carefully she began to inch toward the edge of the clearing. Then she heard another sound. Thirty yards ahead a strange animal was carefully sniffing the air. It was easily the size of a bear, but where there should have been a rounded furry belly there was taught muscular skin. Its limbs were trim and built for speed. She raised her rifle and started slowly walking towards it. Suddenly it turned and looked directly at her, its eyes glowing in the NVGs with an unnatural green light. It lifted its head and let out a blood-curdling scream as it charged her.
Janice dropped to one knee and chambered a fresh round into her rifle. The beast had closed to ten yards when she pulled the trigger. The muzzle flash filled the display of her goggles, blinding her temporarily. Before her vision cleared she heard the sharp crack of a sniper rifle and was knocked to the ground as the creature fell on top of her. The razor sharp teeth scraped her neck but made no attempt to close over her throat.

[This message has been edited by uvsc_wolverine (edited July 31, 2005).]

Posted by TL 601 (Member # 2730) on :

One thing off the top of my head.... I'd lose the phrase "blood-curdling scream." Been done.

Instead, figure out a way to describe the sound made by the animal in such a way that your readers will be hearing it in their heads as they read.

Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :

To me, it reads as a perfectly competent, functoinal piece of writing. However, I'm afraid that's all it is. There's nothing in it that seems anything other than familiar and formulaic - we've got things like "blood-curdling screams" and "the sharp crack of a rifle" and "razor-sharp teeth" which have been used a million times before (incidentally, VERY few animals have razor-sharp teeth - otherwise they'd cut themselves groming! They mostly rely on the muscular strength of the jaws rather than real knife-blade sharpness to do their work). I don't get any sense of real terror or danger to Janice, and I think I should; but I know it's difficult, because on the one hand you want to describe the beast to make it terrifying, on the other you ned to run the action as quickly as possible to get that sense of urgency and danger.

A couple of side notes; why wold Janice start walking towards it? And she's already checked her rifle is loaded but then you say she "chambers a fresh round", which implies she's fired it already.

Posted by uvsc_wolverine (Member # 2755) on :

Thanks a lot. I appreciate the criticism very much. I'll incorporate your suggestions into my next rewrite.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

I'd change "NVG's" to "goggles". Also, in the tone of other points made, why isn't she already wearing them?

I didn't have a problem with "blood-curdling scream" or "sharp crack", though I'm not in love with those phrases either. But I would have mentioned the side notes above myself.

Generally, the style itself seems fine. You have a pronoun reference error that definitely needs fixing and a couple of your descriptions are static, but it isn't terrible writing.

Posted by NewsBys (Member # 1950) on :

Two minor things:

Where it says - "where there should have been a rounded furry belly there was taught muscular skin." - First, should it be "taut"?
Second, I started wondering how she could see this level of detail at thirty yards, even with goggles. Just seemed a little "off", but I'll admit I have little practical experiance with NVGs, and these are probably futuristic, improved models.

Also, I had an "odd experiance" with this sentence:
"They were moving very slowly just beyond the clearing."
I understand what you are saying, but for a moment, because they were the last things referenced to, I pictured her eyes moving very slowly just beyond the clearing.
It might be OK though. It's probably because this section is out of context.

[This message has been edited by NewsBys (edited August 01, 2005).]

Posted by uvsc_wolverine (Member # 2755) on :

Thanks you guys. I really appreciate all of this. Newsbys (did I spell that right?) you were right about my usage of "taught." I looked it up and what I used was the past tense of "teach." You're right, it should be "taut." Plus, I always thought the sentence you pointed out felt awkward and disjointed. Thanks.

Posted by Monolith (Member # 2034) on :

I don't want to step on toes here, so I'm going to agree with the previous posts.

Spelling errors not withstanding, I like this. I'm currently re-reading (for like the 4th time(?)) The Anita Blake series by Laurell K. Hamilton. She's great at using metaphors. She is a great author, IMO, at describing noises and the such. You should read the first book. Her series is along the lines of what you have here.

Sorry it's almost 3:30am, sorry bout the rambling.

I'll read more if you have it.

-Monolith-

Posted by NewsBys (Member # 1950) on :

No problem. Actually I confused myself too, I originally suggested "taunt", and then when I reread it, I got a good laugh before editing it to taut.

Posted by Chessna (Member # 2703) on :

This is a really good piece of work. There is one more thing that is confusing to me, besides what has been said. I was lost when I read this phrase:

quote:
The muzzle flash filled the display of her goggles

It took me a while to figure out (generally) what this meant. Maybe it's just because I'm inexperienced with guns, but I don't really understand this "muzzle flash." If you were to restate that, and fix everything else mentioned, your piece should be much better.

This really is a good piece of work, and I hope I helped you!