This is topic What a Difference a Day Makes (Rewrite of The Time Crystal) in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.
Okay, I completely rewrote this story using Hatrack feedback and some of my own ideas. I'm now interested to see if the new version works. The first 13 are below, not too much different than the original, but slightly different. Looking for readers.
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It was down on the bayou where I found him, the little blue guy. He was hurt real bad, and I could hear him screaming from clear up on the ridge. His screams sounded more like fingernails against a blackboard than a voice. At the time, I didn’t know what it was making that horrible noise, but I had to find out, so I walked down the ridge and into the swamp. It was in a grove of cattails that I found him.
His body was light blue, almost gray, and around his neck he wore a chain holding a topaz crystal inside a glass amulet of some kind. I couldn’t tell his height at first because he was sitting in the water, leaning his head against a clump of reeds. He turned his head to look at me, and the blackboard screeching stopped. Each one of his two big eyes looked like the dome light in my truck, all shiny like that. He had a little mouth and two tiny slits where his nose should be. He just looked at me and slowly blinked those big dome lights, but he didn’t say anything.
I waded out into the water and knelt down beside him. He lifted a pencil-thin arm...
Posted by Miriel (Member # 2719) on :
I'll read it.
Posted by Monolith (Member # 2034) on :
Spaceman
It sounds interesting, sort of like ET in a redneck sort of way. (No disrespect to the rednecks that live here on Hatrack )
I like the voice that the narrator has. I'd definitely read more of this.
When do you need it back? It might take a few days but I'll get it back to you. My email's above. Send away.
-Monolith-
Posted by Dude (Member # 1957) on :
Hey Spaceman,
This definitely seems to flow better than the last version so far. It draws you in pretty good too. I'd be willing if you want a repeat reader. New address: wolf_dude64@yahoo.com
Posted by Spaceman (Member # 9240) on :
A week is fine. I'm working on several projects in parallel, and I'm deep into my rewrite of "Road Rage" at the moment. Thanks for the help.
Posted by NewsBys (Member # 1950) on :
I'd love to read it.
Posted by Carlene (Member # 2745) on :
I'd like to read on.
Posted by DavidGill (Member # 1688) on :
Nice flow, good voice. Might consider switching the chalkboard screech to something more rednecky.
Posted by Spaceman (Member # 9240) on :
Thanks for the additional offers for critique, but I have some things to fix first. I'd like to make another revision before I send it out again.
Posted by Spaceman (Member # 9240) on :
Newest revision coming.
Posted by Mystic (Member # 2673) on :
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