Okay, last one. This first paragraph popped into my head, but after the second paragraph I blanked out. I don't know if it'll go anywhere, but if it is, it'll be a comedy. ---------------------------------- Nobody could make a sandwich like my Freddy. Now, I call him mine but we're not related. And it wasn't like that either, with us being guys and all and neither of our loaves slicing that way. But Freddy would make a sandwich like you wouldn't believe. And I probably would have married him, just to get that sandwich morning, noon, and night, hold the hanky panky.
Whenever business brought me to late-fifties Big Apple, I'd go down to the deli on 15th and Broadway. But business was business and it brought me to Freddy’s less and less. Until one day some jerk went back in time and decided make a saint of John Montagu, Earl of Sandwich.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Organization.
Which isn't unusual, since you're just fooling around
Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :
The Freddy relationship thing was a little strange. Seemed muddled, but maybe you're still trying to iron it all out first.
Posted by Fahrion Kryptov (Member # 1544) on :
Interesting beginning... but you seem to spend a lot of time assuring us that the character is not gay and not much time on developing a point of the story.
I also agree with Survivor on both point and reason.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
I like the voice; I think this could go somewhere. You may stretch my credibility if it's all about sandwiches. Make it chocolate, now, and I'll believe it! (Or a biz opportunity, maybe.)
I also agree about the gay stuff. The only reason to put in all this I'm-not-really-gay stuff and gay marriage reference is if the narrator IS gay, but since I don't think he is, methinks the author could just drop the subject entirely and improve the story.
Posted by apeiron (Member # 2565) on :
Meh, the assurance that the narrator's not gay didn't strike me as telling in any way. I think most straight guys trying to describe their "love" for another guy would use the same sort of language. (Or joking, suggestive language if they're friends with whom they're speaking and know the listener will interpret them correctly. But that's not the case here.)
Great intro--if you do write more, send it my way. I can't promise timeliness (which is why I don't usually reply in this section), but I'd like to check it out.
Posted by Mystic (Member # 2673) on :
I thought it was hilarious. That part about their loaves not slicing that way was genius. It is a new voice for humor that isn't slapstick or sarcastic. It's that kind of humor you use around friends that isn't offensive, yet it is anyway. It is muddled, but only because it needs editting probably.
