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It was quite unexpected for the potential end of the universe to arrive in the form of a letter, but just such a letter was about to be delivered to one Alistair Blythe, professor of physics at the Institute of Technology. At the time, Blythe was sitting in a slightly comfortable chair reviewing images from the optical probe he just inserted into the universe occupying better than two thirds of his laboratory.
In fact, it was the containment chamber that consumed most of the space. The universe itself was still quite young, occupying only the smallest fraction of a percent of the tank’s volume, but it was expanding rapidly. The optical probe was on the cutting edge of technology. Electromagnetic radiation was only discovered a short time ago, but David DeGoz was the leading authority on the subject, and his office was just down the hall from Blythe’s. DeGoz readily agreed to build the first optical probe when he learned what Blythe had in mind—to view an artificial universe from the inside!
quote:
At the time, Blythe was sitting in a slightly comfortable chair reviewing images from the optical probe he just inserted into the universe occupying better than two thirds of his laboratory.
This required a double read for me and even after the second time it still didn't make sense. Only when I read the next two sentences did it make sense. I think the concept is great but I would have needed a bit more framing before the concept would have made sense at first pass.
Not sure about the DeGoz introduction, perhaps it's the timing. It seems to break off a very exciting idea too quickly.
Good Writing!
Anyway, the tone you use for this piece seems awfully laid back; a sharp counterpoint to the subject matter. Maybe this is intentional, maybe it's a joke (again, in the vien of Doug Adams) or maybe that's just the aloof attitude you choose to tell it in, but regardless, it kind of pulled me out of it because I knew with such of carefree attitude, nothing or real danger of suspence would happen, it's too jolly. Secondly, you go off into to much exposition right off the bat. A general rule of thumb would be to make the first page exposition free. Just have fun with the universe as if people already know what you're talking about
I did like it though, if you need a reader just send me a copy (MysticJAC10@hotmail.com)
I'm brand new here, so take the following comments with a peck of electrons.
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It was quite unexpected for the potential end of the universe to arrive in the form of a letter, but just such a letter was about to be delivered to one Alistair Blythe, professor of physics at the Institute of Technology.
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"just one such a letter" seems to be the trigger that makes me think this will be a tongue-in-cheek story. If it is, keep it. If not, maybe there's another way to say this.
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At the time, Blythe was sitting in a slightly comfortable chair reviewing images from the optical probe he just inserted into the universe occupying better than two thirds of his laboratory.
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"was sitting" might work better as "sat" -- but then, why use that verb when you're in a chair, anyway? You could have him "recline" or "slouch" or do away with the thing altogether and just say he was in a slightly comfortable chair. (What makes a chair only slightly comfortable, by the way? *grin*)
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In fact, it was the containment chamber that consumed most of the space.
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Eh? This sentence made my mind do some mental gymnastics.
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The universe itself was still quite young, occupying only the smallest fraction of a percent of the tank’s volume, but it was expanding rapidly. The optical probe was on the cutting edge of technology.
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Somehow, I think there's a better way to say that something is on the cutting edge of technology.
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Electromagnetic radiation was only discovered a short time ago, but David DeGoz was the leading authority on the subject, and his office was just down the hall from Blythe’s.
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"but his collegue, Dr. DeGoz" might work better.
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DeGoz readily agreed to build the first optical probe when he learned what Blythe had in mind—to view an artificial universe from...
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There seems to be a lot of filling in past info here.
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Despite the nit-picking above, this got my interest and I probably would find time to read the rest of it.
Hope this helps,
Varishta
The narrative tone works just fine; I didn't see any overt Adams voice (and I'm a long-time fan).
-- I didn't understand the fact that the universe was in his room until reading other comments and then re-reading the piece. Looking back, I realize it states that quite explicitly, but since that didn't make sense, I glossed over it and thought that there was a large machine recieving messages from the probe in his room. It would help me if the first time the universe was mentioned, it was called an "artificial universe," instead of just "universe."
-- I'm not sure where the optical probe is. I mean, it's somewhere in the universe...but is it a tiny speck in there? A huge camera bigger than the stars? I can't visualize it.
-- Do modern scientists know about electromagnetic radiation? The way that sentance was stated, I can't tell if electromagnetic radiation is something futuristic and unknown to modern man, or if this story simply takes place on a different world that hasn't gotten there yet. Up until this point, I was pretty sure we were just on a futuristic earth. Now I'm wondering.
And what I really liked:
Marvelous first sentance. By the end of these two paragraphs, I'm already wondering which universe is in danger -- the one we live in, or the one in his room. It makes an excellent hook. Good luck with this one.
I guess I follow enough quantum physics not to be surprised/confused at the idea of the pocket universe and the probe.
The only problem I had was with the "new" electromagnetic radiation line. As one reviewer asked, new to whom?
As for POV. As an opener I think it's OK as is. If you decide to go 3rd or 1st person to write the remainder just insert some blank lines and keep on writing.
The confusion you are feeling is intentional and will be cleared up within the first five hundred words. I intend the reader to put parts of this together themselves, which you are doing a fine job of with the limited information I posted, I might add.
But overall I think it's an intriguing start and I would definitely keep reading. I'd call it a proper hook.
The main problem is that the text jumps from one subject to the next far too quickly. First subject is the potential end of the universe arriving in the form of a letter. Then we jump to Blythe in his "slightly comfortable" chair, the containment chamber of the universe, the universe itself, the optical probe, electromagnetic radiation, DeGoz (who just appears out of nowhere), and so on. It's confusing and you use that "it was [reference of 'it']" structure to begin both paragraphs.
A good bit of this appears to be expositive and narrative summary, but it's terribly muddled.
Case in point, in the story I posted a while ago on this forum titled "The Time Crystal" (since renamed to "What a Difference a Day Makes") there are three main characters. Two are cajun rednecks, and one is an alien. I took the unusual step of writing it in first person in cajun dialect. The characters are exactly what I intended, though it took until the 7th revision before I had the characterization correct. MAinly,I write the thing in my-speak in order to get the story down, then I rewrote the narrator's part into the dialect. I made a choice that works for me and the story, but it will turn off some readers, so there is a price to pay for that. The narator was flat, and needed justification for working strange hours and wanting to help a wounded alien. I went back and worked in that he was an ambulance driver.
The alien evolved into an intelligent but naive young spaceship crewman. When I needed background, I went back and inserted it into the story. That isn't very hard in a story under 5000 words.
When you get into a novel, a character sketch might be more helpful. It doesn't have to be detailed, nor does it have to be extensive. Just don't marry yourself to a character sketch (or an outline, for that matter) or you won't be able to include the great ideas you have while you actually write the thing. I made no character sketches in my first novel, but I had it in my head for several years. I tried the same thing with my second novel and with the decision to rewrite after getting 20,000 words into it, I may do formal character sketches this time.
Bottom line is that you have to try different approaches and choose what works best for you. Hope that helps.
[This message has been edited by Spaceman (edited August 16, 2005).]
(edited for minor typos)
[This message has been edited by Silver3 (edited August 18, 2005).]