Once upon a time, many months ago, I posted a thirteen-line predecessor of what is slowly shaping into a complete story. I am now looking for volunteers kind enough to critique the first couple of chapters, about 3500 words all told. Also appreciated would be any critiques of the first 13.
Here are the first 13 for reference (please forgive the formatting):
“You probably think that I’m hurting you because I’m a bad person,” Clay said. He unleashed a backhanded blow across the intruder’s face. The chair to which the would-be thief was bound rocked onto its back legs. Clay grabbed the intruder’s blood-stained collar to keep him from falling over. New blood streamed from his lip to join the river already pouring from his broken nose. Blood also flowed from the burst knuckles inside of Clay’s leather gloves. “Truth is, I don’t like doing this much at all.” The intruder cursed, then spit blood-flecked saliva in Clay’s face. His ski mask caught most of it, but he felt some of the fluid run down his chin. He must’ve aimed at the mouth hole, Clay thought. Still, the bravado was a good sign. Bravado meant fear. Clay curled his hands into fists to flex his sore knuckles. The intruder flinched. “I’m not going to hit you again,” Clay said. “I might break my hand. That would be inefficient. You see, I’m doing this to teach you simple economics.” “Economics?” the intruder barked a strained laugh. “That’s what got me into this in the first place.”
[This message has been edited by J (edited August 17, 2005).]
Posted by Mechwarrior (Member # 2796) on :
It certainly got my attention. I loved the last line. It has good imagery and the dialogue seems natural and believable.
>“Economics?” the intruder barked You might want to capitalize 'the' and make two sentences or put the tag first (probably the better choice).
I have some time if you want to send the story my way.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
I like it. I'm not up for a novel at this point, but your beginning is intriguing.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
I had a problem with Clay injuring his knuckles, if he's supposed to be competent at this. He's wearing gloves, for crying out loud (I don't wear gloves, not my style, but still). It also clashed with "I don't like doing this at all." The fact that he has an obvious reason for not liking it saps that statement of any power.
The ski mask didn't do much for me either. It seems a bit weak, too clumsy to be effective. Besides, modern ski masks don't have mouth holes. And it clashes with Clay's style already, even worse than bruising his knuckles inside of his gloves (though if you'd used a modern ski mask, that might work).
I like the idea that he's going to beat this guy while delivering a lecture on price points and Gresham's law, so that sorta hooks me. Give him a full face Halloween mask of whatever president you think most appropriate, and that could be both funny and make the scene a bit more intense.
I'll try 3500.
Posted by kgator (Member # 2787) on :
It's good, but I was confused about the lines: <New blood streamed from his lip to join the river already pouring from his broken nose. Blood also flowed from the burst knuckles inside of Clay’s leather gloves.> I had to read it twice to figure out who was bleeding what. could it work better as?: <New blood streamed from the bound man's lip to join the river already pouring from his broken nose. Clay felt the blood flowing from the burst knuckles inside his leather gloves.> or something like that? I'd be interested in reading your story and giving you feedback. What kind of feedback do you wish for? Comments on characters,setting, plot? Grammatical?
Posted by LMermaid (Member # 2778) on :
I'm hooked! Please send me whatever you've got to LMermaid@aol.com.
Posted by J (Member # 2197) on :
Just wanted to say thanks to those that took a peek. I'm always amazed at how incredibly useful Hatrack critiques are--from comments on grammar and cadence to dialogue and plausibility, F&F is just a flat-out invaluable resource. So thanks again, both to the individuals that helped me in this instance and to the broader community (and, at root, OSC) that makes this place possible.
Posted by Monolith (Member # 2034) on :
I agree with Survivor, but I did happen to see this before. I liked it then and I like it now. If you need someone to read it further, I can handle 3500 wds if you can wait about a week or so.