I already know what is wrong and hate to think of tackling this story one more time but excited about looking at it from a fresh point of view thanks to comments on my earlier posting and others. But I would like to see what kind of interest there is in flowery writing like mine and what other advise my new friends out there may have for me. So here are the first 13 plus an introductory poem that I may not keep for the final draft (should I ever reach it):
Sitting on the throne of night, Sat the Lord Malikyte. Having fought all day and won, Preparing the treacherous way was done, With a grin, happiness would stay ‘Til morn’s first light gave way for day. -The Song of Malikyte, Lord of Night
She moaned. The earth moaned as she open her womb. The Mother of us All was pushing up and out, the soil of the ground moving to relinquish her son, the Phoenix Child, in his near fetal form. The earth sealing behind the babe, Keljor, Lord of Day, lay on a bed of dew and green, green grass. Reaching up he broke the protective skin that surrounded him, releasing the warm fluid onto the ground around him. Though the night was cold his young body never felt it, for the warmth of the sun that grew in his heart kept the chill at bay. Presently he took his first morning breath, letting out a cry for dawn, anointing the new day.
Posted by EthanK (Member # 2838) on :
I think it's probably just a typo, but you should change open in the second sentence to 'opened' so that the sentence structure is in agreement with everything else. It's also a pretty long sentence and I got a bit bogged down by it, maybe break it up a little? Also maybe instead of saying green twice you could use an adjective like vibrant for better flow. All in all I'm intrigued and I don't see anything wrong with 'flowery' language. When I was in high school I loved H.P. Lovecraft and wrote like that a whole year. Embarrassing to read now, but there's some hugely flowery language that's really entertaining.
Posted by Ayn Sedai (Member # 2812) on :
I liked it too. There were only a few words or small phrases that aren't needed to make your point Like: She moaned. The earth moaned as she open her womb. The Mother of us All was pushing up and out, the soil of the ground moving to relinquish her son, the Phoenix Child, in his near@@@ near is useless@@@ fetal form. The earth sealing@@@sealed@@@ behind the babe, @@@ and@@@Keljor, Lord of Day, lay on a bed of dew and green, green grass@@@ I agree that vibrant would be better than green twice@@@. Reaching up he broke the protective skin that surrounded him, releasing the warm fluid onto the ground around him@@@ you don't need 'around him"@@@. Though the night was cold his young body never felt it, for the warmth of the sun that grew in his heart kept the chill at bay. Presently he took his first morning breath, letting out a cry for dawn, anointing the new day.