I'm not sure what genre this falls into, so I won't attempt to name it. I have about 9,000 words so far, but maybe more. ANd i definitely have enough for a chapter or two in a wider book. Thanks. ********* “No. No. No! Just listen to me!” Toby paused a moment to hear the woman on the phone. “Don’t you dare transfer-” Soft jazz began playing in her ear. She was on hold. Again. “Damn.” Then she heard a click. That stupid secretary had actually hung up. “Damn, Damn, Damn!!” Toby beat the air with the handset before taking a deep breath and hanging it gently back on the receiver. Who hadn’t she tried? Turning to the phone book she skimmed the government pages once more. Well, she hadn’t called poison control. But what could they do about the things she knew were coming? That man would be dead long before a verdict was delivered. Arthur Willis was the highest profile Pro-Life activist in the U.S. He was vocal, well educated, handsome and a widowed family man. Too bad his daughter got knocked up and decided to have an abortion. Too bad old Artie was at a meeting that morning at the Womens Clinic his daughter had randomly picked for the job. Too bad Arthur was walking out as Rebecca was walking in.
Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :
OK, a few things in this threw me. Firstly, I've only come across Toby as a male name before, so I had to re-read the first section to realise that Toby was the person making the phone call. Secondly, "that man would be dead" is totally unclear. What man? The man at poison control? Some man we haven't met yet? Thirdly, the switch to Arthur Willis and Rebecca is too swift. I'm guessing that Arthur may be "that man" but it isn't clear, and if it is the case, I need to know so I know that this is all the same story and that I'm going to get some idea of what's going on.
As it stands, I wouldn't read on, particularly as the subject initially appears to be Pro-Life vs abortion, which is something I've really very little desire to read a story about. Of course, that may not be the subject at all... but I have no way of knowing that. Yet.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Avoid hot button issues. They make it impossible to tell a thoughtful story.
By the way, what is "the highest profile Pro-Life activist in the U.S." doing at an abortion clinic? And how could he possibly meet anyone there by accident, let alone his own daughter?
The first line is poorly structured anyway, it isn't just the name "Toby". But the rest of my points fit tcher's pretty exactly.
Posted by Ayn Sedai (Member # 2812) on :
I used the hot button issue only because in this first 'event' it helps cause the riot that starts off the book. I never mention it after the first two pages. I agree, though, that the "That man" sentence is all wrong, and I'm currently reworking it. Any ideas? Also, I only picked abortion because it was something that almost everyone feels strongly about, and with strong emotions comes unpredictable behavior.
And the character's name is October. I tried spelling her name Tobe, but readers complained. Would Tobie work better? Or Tobey?
[This message has been edited by Ayn Sedai (edited August 31, 2005).]
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
No, strong emotions cause utterly predictable behavior, particularly in a mob scene. If you want a riot, try a bomb scare in a crowd. Don't make up something silly that could never happen.
Posted by Ayn Sedai (Member # 2812) on :
I don't see how a bomb scare could cause people to hit and beat up each other, endangering children and innocent passersby. I would just think that everyone would try and leave the vicinity. Granted, a few people would get trampled, but that's not what I'm going for. I'm looking for something like the L.A. Riots, but not a racial issue.
I also figured that using the 'humerous' "Too bad"s would point out that what happened with Arthur was oddly coincidental. Many crimes are. A husband happens to come home early, find his wife in bed with another man and kills them both. A woman is pushed to the limit one day, and that happens to be the day that she finds her son smoking pot or stealing from her. That's what I was going on. Maybe it is weak. If you would like to read all that I have so far and give me a more full crit, you are welcome.
[This message has been edited by Ayn Sedai (edited August 31, 2005).]