Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Intelligent Design

This is topic Intelligent Design in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by EthanK (Member # 2838) on :

This is a currently unfinished novel length work. Not looking for anyone to read the whole thing, just some feedback on this opening. Thanks.

Norm Hodges had not had a front page story in two years. He had not accomplished much of anything in the last two years, although he had managed to break his leg the previous week. He refused to explain to anyone how this had happened, yet he milked it for all the time behind his desk it could get him. (The truth was that he had embarrassingly fallen off someone's porch trying to murder their cat with an industrial stapler at three in the morning). At this moment, he was using this desk-bound time to play a mean game of Solitaire on the computer. His enormous day-glo pink cast was propped up on his desk, which was conspicuously devoid of papers. The cast had one signature that said "Love Judy" but it was in Hodges's own handwriting and everybody knew it.

Posted by BuffySquirrel (Member # 2780) on :

Although I found this a bit uneven, I enjoyed it, and the last line made me laugh.

You've succeeded in making me wish you'd written more about the story about how Norm fell off the porch, so kudos for that .

I'd be tempted to find a way to elide the first two lines and make their salient details work together. At the moment you have a solid opening line, but then a rather longer second line that tells us much of the same information, albeit with a strong payoff.

It might heighten the interest if you introduced another character who is chaffing Norm about how he broke his leg rather than relying on exposition. That could be done in passing. I'd also move up the Solitaire game/pink cast to earlier in the opening so we start to get a visual of Norm and the setting as soon as possible.

You have, I think, all the elements for a strong opening here. At the moment, however, you have three lines in succession beginning with Norm or "he". Vary them more.

Posted by LMermaid (Member # 2778) on :

I have a fondness for openings like this that explain without conversation. It gives me the feeling of the author talking directly to me. The structure of the paragraph worked for me, too, but I agree with BuffySquirrel that the first three sentences lack variety.

The aside about the cat made me laugh. I definitely would have kept reading.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

There are a few nits to iron out. Try "hadn't" instead of "had not", and go ahead and use it in the third sentance if you're going to use it twice. Put the paranthetical explanation of how he'd been injured (and why he hadn't explained it to anyone) right after "He hadn't explained to anyone how this had happened", before the comma. Fix "enormous day-glo pink cast" somehow, it reads a bit poorly.

Less nitpicky issues...clarify the setting a little more. Is he in an office, a cubical, or what? His job is important to this story, right? Bring it out a little more, what kind of publication is this? Has he been here the whole two years? What kind of relationship does he have with everyone else there? That's what I want to know most of all, since it would clarify so much about the meaning of his actions. I'm not saying that you have to answer all those questions, just that they're some things you could explore with a little more attention to setting.

Overall, you've got an interesting start, but it's a little detached. That's not terrible, you have longer to build the story in a novel. And this is funny.

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

Like Squirrel, I really laughed at the last line.

I suggest doing something to tame the line about murdering the cat. It made me not like him and not care to read about him. Fixes: give me a reason to think that action wasn't so bad; or take it out; or make it an action that's not quite so hostile.

Posted by EthanK (Member # 2838) on :

Forgive me, i'm not at all cruel to animals in real life but I find it sort of funny to be on paper. But it's really just sort of a cursory detail--the point about Norm is his life is a complete mess. Only a drunken idiot would attempt to kill a cat with a stapler. Thank you all for the feedback....been making changes accordingly.

Posted by autumnmuse (Member # 2136) on :

I think this beginning, when tightened up a bit, is hilarious.

[This message has been edited by autumnmuse (edited September 08, 2005).]

Posted by Guy Koehler (Member # 2758) on :

"The truth was that he had embarrassingly fallen off someone's porch trying to murder their cat with an industrial stapler at three in the morning"

Now that's a hell of a hook. I definitely would read further to learn why, how, and what else happened. Anyone this intent on getting the cat is someone I want to read more about. The last line was funny, and the rest was supportive.

As a whole, I think it could be tightened.

[This message has been edited by Guy Koehler (edited September 12, 2005).]

Posted by Miriel (Member # 2719) on :

I pretty much ditto everyone else. The hook with the cat and the signature would definetly make me read more, and in a few places the language could be tightened. Nice job.

Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :

I suggest that you change:

quote:
"The truth was that he had embarrassingly fallen off someone's porch ...

to read:

"The embarrassing truth was that he had fallen off someone's porch..."

Posted by Paul-girtbooks (Member # 2799) on :

This is really good, I thought. There's a lot of lines here that stand out and catch the reader's attention.

Good luck with finishing it!

Posted by EthanK (Member # 2838) on :

Thank you everyone for all the feedback, and the compliments.