Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Bran's Flight--re-write

This is topic Bran's Flight--re-write in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :

Hey guys, I'll take critique on just the first 13 or the whole kaboodle if you so desire. It's about 1200wds now. I've also posted it on my PSC sight for all you LHers.

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Bran's Flight

Bran waited for the inn’s stable hand to disappear into the darkness with the horses before he reached for Sarah in the carriage.

“Please, Sarah,” Bran said as he grasped her hand. He watched the road for other travelers; other eyes that might see his treasure.

“Keep the hood tight and look away if anyone comes near.” He helped her down and tugged her hood forward. Her face lay in shadow. He hoped she would obey and keep it thus. She was like a child in her innocence, this daughter of the sea. She didn’t realize what men were.

“How far away is it?” she asked. Urgency filled her voice. Her hand quivered in his. “I can smell it. Are we really so near?”

Posted by Dude (Member # 1957) on :

I don't think you need to start a new paragraph with "Keep the hood tight..." Actually it threw me off. I'll read -- wolf_dude64@yahoo.com

Posted by jinkx (Member # 2798) on :

quote:
Bran waited for the inn’s stable hand to disappear into the darkness with the horses before he reached for Sarah in the carriage.

This sentence is little long-winded. Maybe you can break it up a little so that it is easier to read.

So far I don't know anything that's happening. I know something terribly urgent is going on, but there isn't much explanation of anything further.
The third paragraph is especially confusing, and the part where you say "She was like a child in her innocence, this daughter of the sea. She didn't realize what men were," seems to come from nowhere and doesn't really fit in with everything.
A little explanation of what's happening would make things alot less confusing.

This beginning definately hooks though. Excellent job on that. And I like the last paragraph, though I'm still not sure whether they're running away from something or are running to something for safety.

Posted by NMgal (Member # 2769) on :

Sounds interesting. I'll read what you have. Feel free to e-mail it over!

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

That first line is a bit cumbersome, I think that a lot of people are tripping over it. After that you really don't have any serious problems, though the He/Her/She gets a little tiresome. If you use a simpler sentance structure at the beginning and then get more adventurous, that should help make it easier to read.

Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :

Thanks guys, I'll send them out tomorrow.

I see what you mean Survivor about the he/she/her thing. I tend to do that. It's a crutch.

And that first line will be fixed. This story has been driving me nuts! Ah, the joys of the rewrite.

Posted by Paul-girtbooks (Member # 2799) on :

The style has a nice, subtle flavor to it. You effectively, for me, created an atmosphere of anticipation. True, I don't know what's really happening, but it would certainly keep me reading if I was an editor - and, after all, isn't that the purpose of a hook?

If you're still looking for readers, pixydust, I'll be glad to take a look at it.

Posted by benskia (Member # 2422) on :

What's PSC?

Posted by TL 601 (Member # 2730) on :

PSC = Private Sub Club.

It's a sort of critiquing /returned-encouragement/ story submittal discussion board in a private area of Liberty Hall.

Several of us hatrackers are also munsil-ites.

www.munsil.net

Posted by TL 601 (Member # 2730) on :

pix, I'll crit this story there. I liked it the first time. But already I like that its world seems to have expanded.

[This message has been edited by TL 601 (edited September 23, 2005).]

Posted by LMermaid (Member # 2778) on :

I'll read the whole thing if you want to send it over.

Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :

Thanks, TL. And everyone.

I'll get those out today.

Benskia, since you already belong to LH you just have to PM onepktjoe and he'll let you know what to do. I think he opened it back up for a little while. So far it's helped me a lot in terms of submissions. It's a good acountability system.

Posted by Schatzy540 (Member # 2866) on :

I'm up for reading this one. Send it to Schatzy540@aol.com plz!

Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :

It's on its way.

Thanks.