Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Call of Faya

This is topic Call of Faya in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Monolith (Member # 2034) on :

It is done. Any readers? It's a fantasy style piece and has roughly 21k words. I'm looking for people to crit the rough draft.

Oh, for those that didn't get to see the beginning here it is again.

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The Shikar raiding party spilled out of the forest, crushing saplings and the underbrush under the onslaught of their weight. They resembled bears that roamed the same forest. Almost twice as tall as men, and just as dangerous. Twenty members strong, none of them carried weapons for they had large hands that ended in wicked claws the size of knives. This was the year for Hapshire. It was one of the many villages on the fringe of their territory. They were here for one thing and one thing only: Pillaging food that they wanted or couldn’t grow.

Conn and his father, Jaros, awoke to the sounds of inhuman growls and terrified screams. They looked to one another sleepily and nodded.

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Just let me know if you're interested. Thanks in advance for your help.

-Monolith-

[This message has been edited by Monolith (edited October 11, 2005).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited October 11, 2005).]

Posted by Paul-girtbooks (Member # 2799) on :

This is a fairly good opening. One or two little bits could be better if they were tightened up. For instance,

quote:
Twenty members strong, none of them carried weapons for they had large hands that ended in wicked claws the size of knives.

I would just drop the part about not carrying weapons: "There were twenty of them and they had claws the size of carving knives for weapons" or somthing like that.

Sadly, at 21,000 words, I just wouldn't be able to get back to you on that in any reasonable length of time. I'm way behind on my own stuff as well as working seven days a week with my regular job. I don't get much time to read anything these days which is really annoying.

Sorry, Mono'. If you like you could send over the first 3,000 words or so and I could let you know if I feel, as a reader, that the story's going well.

Posted by Dude (Member # 1957) on :

If you don't mind waiting a couple of weeks, you can send it my way. wolf_dude64@yahoo.com

Posted by Robyn_Hood (Member # 2083) on :

I don't know how indepth I can get on a piece this large, but if you can wait a week or two, I'll take a look.

Posted by pantros (Member # 3237) on :

I'll read it.

Posted by Monolith (Member # 2034) on :

Hey Paul,

Would say, 6 pages be ok enough for you?? It's a bit hard for me to guage 3k words.

Just wondering.

Monolith