This is a rough draft. Category : Chick lit I tried to make some changes based on the sudjestions. Unfortuntely, she just couldn't leave her dress at home.
Karen Homestead was starting to live her life about ten years too late. She tugged at the skirt of her floral print dress, which was sticking to the back of her thighs. The late August heat sent drops of sweat down her back. She shifted her purse from one shoulder to another, and wondered, “What am I doing here?” I’m 27 and enrolling in college for the first time. It’s a community college, but it’s a start. The line inched closer and she thought of the mistakes she’d made. Number one was marrying Bud. Bud who’s name was exactly like the beer he drank, and who now had a belly oozing over the front of his jeans to prove it.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited October 17, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by Davita (edited October 20, 2005).]
Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :
Rather than spending your first 13 describing her dress and how nervous she is, consider SHOWING us through her actions and dialog. In order to hook us in, you need to let your character's personality come through. Right now it's mostly showing us she has out-of-date taste in clothes.
Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :
mmm, never mind, I was replying to something that Kathleen removed.
[This message has been edited by Beth (edited October 17, 2005).]
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
Also: we're pretty far in, to still not know what's happening. Tell us what the event is first, and then we'll understand MC's nervousness.
Also: make it a hook, something we'd be interested to read further about.
Posted by pantros (Member # 3237) on :
I think your story shows potential.
Good first line.
I would reduce the reuse of the word "was". This will help change from a standing still story to a stepping forward story.
If you want to go a little faster, say a jog or a run, (I suspect a sprint wouldn't fit your story), then tell us things like why she chose a single article of clothing, not her whole ensemble.
Lose the second sentence, the rest of your opening should illusrate this rather than tell us.
Don't be afraid to tell us why Karen was just now getting into "starting her life".
[This message has been edited by pantros (edited October 20, 2005).]