Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Starting Over

This is topic Starting Over in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by thedeathkillersareback (Member # 2894) on :

I decided to start over on my sci-fi novel "The Reality Thesis" I just wrote the first thirteen lines a couple minutes ago and I am pretty excited about it. Any comments are welcomed and appreciated. I would like a couple volunteers to read the entire chapter once I've finished it. It should run a couple thousand words.

The medical test results slipped from Logan’s hands and drifted to rest on the living room carpet. He leaned forward and grabbed the edge of the data panel staring slack-jawed at the hologram of the spinning DNA strand - his DNA strand, now mutated. He had spent the last week hoping for any other possible result for his recent symptoms; an allergic reaction to off world travel, a bacterial infection or a epidermal virus would have proven preferable.
“Screen off,” Logan murmured as he turned away from the consul. He trudged over to the sofa , collapsed and began kneading his throbbing temporals with his knuckles. The anesthetic spray from his shower was waning. The room resonated with atomic overtones that penetrated his skin.

[This message has been edited by thedeathkillersareback (edited October 25, 2005).]

[This message has been edited by thedeathkillersareback (edited October 25, 2005).]

Posted by thedeathkillersareback (Member # 2894) on :

So, I just realized that my original manuscript was formatted incorrectly and I posted way more than thirteen lines. I changed it to match Kathleen's requirements. Man do I feel sheepish.

Posted by rahamad (Member # 2946) on :

Your intro has a good hook to it. I am left wondering why Logan's DNA is mutated, and would want to read on to find out.

The part where the results fall to the ground, and then Logan is staring "slack-jawed" seems backward to me. If I just got back some bad test results, I would stare slack-jawed first, then I would let the results drop to the floor. When I first read it, it sounded like Logan didn't look at the results until they fell to the floor.

Posted by thedeathkillersareback (Member # 2894) on :

Good Point. How's this?

Logan leaned forward and grabbed the edge of the data panel. He stared slack-jawed at the hologram of the spinning DNA strand - his DNA strand, now mutated. He had spent the last week hoping for any other possible explaination for his symptoms; an allergic reaction to off world travel, a bacterial infection or a epidermal virus would have been preferable.
“Screen off,” Logan murmured as he turned away from the consul. He trudged over to the sofa , collapsed and began kneading his throbbing temporals with his knuckles. The anesthetic spray from his shower was waning and the room began to resonate with atomic overtones that penetrated his skin. He felt the resonance shift as Colette glided into the living room.

[This message has been edited by thedeathkillersareback (edited October 25, 2005).]

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

Ah, this version lost your setting. That's an easy enough fix, you can just insert "his living room" in place of "the" before "data panel."

It looks good, though some of the language in the second paragraph seems slightly hallucinatory. Works.

I can't make a future commitment just now. When you finish the first chapter, I'll probably be seriously ramping up for NaNoWriMo. But I think it's a promising start.

Posted by thedeathkillersareback (Member # 2894) on :

I'm out of the loop when it comes to writing contests and such. What is NaNoWriMo?

Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :

National Write a Novel in a Month:

http://www.hatrack.com/forums/writers/forum/Forum1/HTML/002454.html

Posted by thedeathkillersareback (Member # 2894) on :

I just signed up for NaNoWriMo. Should be an interesting run. I figure I'd treat it like a marathon fundraiser and make forms for donators and such with all the proceeds going towards the NaNoWriMo library/literacy program.

If anyone would like me to email them the forms for them to do the same thing, let me know and I can email them to you. They're nothing special, just a spreadsheet for sign-ups and some information pulled off the NaNoWriMo site to get potential donators interested, but it will save you some leg work.

Best Regards to All and Good Luck.