[This message has been edited by TL 601 (edited December 15, 2005).]
 

Also, the first sentence is useless. Colding repeats it almost word-for-word later on in this fragment.

[This message has been edited by scm288 (edited October 31, 2005).]
 

I dunno, I'm just comparing it to some of your other work that I've liked and trying to put my finger on what's missing. Maybe it's fine.
 

The main character seems very young, 5-7 years old, because of his struggle with words, the way he responds to news stories and falling stars by getting scared and, like chicken little, thinks the sky is falling and by the way he compensates for his fear by talking to his mom and dad whose words seem more like a 'there, there' than anything else. If he is not a child, then he is definitely odd, perhaps immature, and I would waiger that his mom cooked his dinner for him.

I'm not sure about something 'glowing black'. I think I know what you mean though. Maybe try something like:
'Shedding blackness' or 'Broadcast darkness' or 'emanate' or something. Just 'glow' is such a boring word that's meaning seems too caught up with the presence of light rather than its absence. I understand however, that this may be a word chosen because of the limits of the POV character's vocabulary, similar to how you mentioned 'power' at the end as being the only word he could use that seemed to fit what he was trying to express. At least thats what it sound like you meant to me.

I don't dislike it. There is plenty of bait there for your hook. I'm just a bit unhooked right now and that may be because, as Beth mentioned, it doesn't strike me as being a smooth read yet.

As a reader I would probably reserve judgement on this piece for a few more paragraphs.

Edit:
IF you really want readers you may need to tell us what genre and how long the piece is.

[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited November 04, 2005).]
 

[This message has been edited by TL 601 (edited October 31, 2005).]
 

[This message has been edited by TL 601 (edited October 31, 2005).]
 

If you misunderstood me, I meant this: it seems you have little chance getting people to commit to read and critique without telling them what they are in for.
 

You were one of the people who reviewed the story. You liked the writing but were upset about his actions.

What you didn't know is that *earlier* I had done a story for the Notebored with the same people -- Gloria and Colding, but when they were little kids. Gloria finds a hurt baby bird and Colding has these powers, you see. That I won't fully explain, here.

This is those two stories combined together into the one story they were always meant to be.

See, in "Jason" I never mentioned Colding's powers, but I always thought if the reader knew that Colding could bring the baby back to life the way he brought the bird back when he was a kid, it would add a lot of tension to the story.

And that's what this is. It needs a ton of work, I realize that. But it's one of those that I want to take the time to perfect.
 

[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited November 01, 2005).]
 

As you know, generally speaking, I really like your stuff.

I'd be happy to read it if I have time. But without knowing how long we're talking, I don't know when I'll find time.

Since you don't want to say how long it is, I can only suggest you send it, if you want, and we'll see what happens.
 

The rolleyes is because it seems temperamental to solicit readers only to refuse to tell prospective ones what you will require from them. It also makes it appear as though you might have not yet finished the story and have no idea what shape or length it might be, in which case courtesy would suggest you just say so.

But hey, if that's not quite how you do it...

[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited November 04, 2005).]
 

I'm happy to read. So far I've never been disapointed by your stuff and I like the idea of Colding having the power to bring the baby back. Will he, won't he, sounds like great tention.

Send it on over, or post it in your forum at LH, and I'll get over there in the next day or two.

He told his parents, “There’s something wrong with the sky.”

“What makes you say that?”

“It can’t keep what it has. It, like, loses its powers.” He used that word because it seemed natural to him. Powers.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
I hope it is okay that I reply this way. It helps me a bit.

Colding Parker ate his dinner with the news on. - this sentence seems out of place to me. It interrupted "the sky is falling" description.

Also, Colding seems young - still lives with his parents. Ask yourself at what age does a youngster turn off cartoons and sitcoms to watch the news.

The neighborhood glowed black. - this description threw me a bit.

Colding's last words set the tension and made me want more.

This is just my opinion.

Liadan

 

I think you can get rid of the first sentance. It feels disjointed to go from that to dinner and television. Also, it seemed like these were all normal events, but they meant something more to Colding. With that opening, it seemed more like common knowledge that something was wrong with the sky.
 

Good luck with the project. Sorry I could not help more.
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EDIT: to disclose contents of original post and avoid confusion about the posts that follow and doubts to my ethics. Originally, intending to be funny, I said this:

quote:

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Sorry to have offered some advice. Do you think your ego will recover?
Good luck with the project. Sorry I could not help more.

---

Because it sounded rude, I changed it within seconds to:

quote:

---

Sorry to have offered some advice. Do you think you will recover?
Good luck with the project. Sorry I could not help more.

---

Then, about an hour later I just deleted it, knowing it wasn't going to be found funny. (Though, at the time, I thought it was.)

Offense was taken anyway and a mess ensued.
So, sorry folks.

[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited November 07, 2005).]
 

We love Troy. And if he doesn't want to tell you the word count, and that offends you, then you don't have to read it. Personally, I haven't read one of Troy's stories that wasn't worth every word.
 

Hey, Pix, thanks for critiquing the story at the other place. I'm glad you liked the ending. And I think your suggestion for the beginning is probably quite correct.

[This message has been edited by TL 601 (edited November 04, 2005).]
 

I think we're having a serious Cool Hand Luke situation here.

Hoptoad was trying to help and the responses he has gotten have mystified me as much as they have mystified him.

What is going on?
 

Either that, or he's got something really long and he doesn't want to scare away potential readers

Actually, I think that it's a case where he's taken a shorter flash, expanded it into a longish short, and wants to pleasently surprise those who've read the short flash with this more involved story.

I have to agree with pixydust here, I haven't read one of Troy's stories that wasn't worth every word. Of course, that's because I haven't read even one of his stories But that just proves the other point, Hoptoad doesn't have to read them if he doesn't like the way TL presents them here.

I think that if TL want's to suprise readers of the flash with a much deeper story this time around, he should have posted his request over at LH, where the flashers hang out more. Then, after getting their feedback on the story, he could have tried the more general audience over here and followed the instructions.

But hey, he's not quite a n00b, but he's still quite new around here. Things happen.
 

I just wanted to see if I could get a couple of readers. That's all.
 

I violated that rule and I guess that's what started this.

I didn't think it was a rule, at the time.

So this is my fault.

I'll re-evaluate my stance on that.
 

Email at Wellington[dot]DaSilva[at]gmail[dot]com.

-----------
Wellington
 

I did edit all my posts for grammar and spelling (a bit compulsive that way) but altered the substance of only one (the one after the 'thanks everyone' post.) I removed a line that was supposed to be funny, but in context could not be seen that way, and I did it within the hour.

I also altered one from saying "It appears as though...' to
'It makes it appear as though..." That was for the sake of clarity only rather than to smokescreen.

As I said, I am sorry this got out of hand.
Good luck with the project.

Edit: Yes I did edit this post too, but only for spelling.

[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited November 06, 2005).]
 

Edit to include:
Troy: got your note.
Pixy: I am genuinely sorry to have caused offense.

[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited November 07, 2005).]
 

I'm happy to move past it, though, if you are.