This is topic New Found Power in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.


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Posted by zetars (Member # 2956) on :
 
He surveyed his surroundings with an admonishing eye. Before him lay the once great king of a new land, but now… a smoldering pile of ash. A man, who once almost took his life, was just killed with the greatest of ease.
Retreating his hand back to himself and forming it into a fist he looked. It was now black as night. He had almost lost this duel, but by summoning power through an ancient enchantment, his power increased by ten fold.
Only two had called upon the spell before, and they died minutes after doing so. But he, would not, he would become supreme overlord of the land. With a swipe of anger he reached down into his well of power, and began to grow mightier. His power grew, until something very strange happened. A ball of light consumed him, and with that, he was gone.

 
Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :
 
You'll get more responses, zetars, if you also give us the genre and the word count, and indicate to us what you are seeking. Do you want a crit on the first 13 lines? Anything in particular we should focus on? Or do you have an entire manuscript you are seeking readers for?
 
Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :
 
In regards to the lines submitted:
I'm not hooked, although you had a good start with someone noting the king had just turned into ash.

Specifically, I want to know who this person is.

Here are some line by line comments:

He surveyed his surroundings with an admonishing eye.
Some things simply require two people. In order to admonish someone, you need someone to admonish. With the king now dead, your MC is all alone and thus he cannot admonish anyone else.

Before him lay the once great king of a new land, but now… a smoldering pile of ash.
This is the line I thought was nice.

A man, who once almost took his life, was just killed with the greatest of ease.
This is clumsy. It needs to be rephrased.

Retreating his hand back to himself and forming it into a fist he looked.

This would benefit from being shorter, and more concise: "He pulled his hand back, forming it into a fist." Also, ask yourself why this line is here? What purpose does it serve? I see no further indication that balling his hand into a fist is important to the story. Make it mean something, or consider taking it out. As with building a car engine, good writing should include no parts that are not useful.

It was now black as night.
What was "it"? His fist? Be specific.

He had almost lost this duel, but by summoning power through an ancient enchantment, his power increased by ten fold.
This line indicates to me that you started the story in the wrong spot. We obviously need to know something more about who this is and the sort of power he wields in order to hook into, and care about, this character.

Only two (two what?) had called upon the spell before, and they died minutes after doing so. (How does he know?) But he, would not, he would become supreme overlord of the land. (clumsy. Need to rephrase because the gramatical structure of the sentence is off.

With a swipe of anger he reached down into his well of power, and began to grow mightier.
Anger doesn't swipe. Anger should be referred to more like energy, thus it can surge... but it takes a body part or a tool to make a swiping motion.

His power grew, until something very strange happened. A ball of light consumed him, and with that, he was gone.
Something very strange, indeed. It appears the story ended. Don't let the reader think you've reached a conclusion before you are done.
 


Posted by pantros (Member # 3237) on :
 
pet peeve

Any first line that could be rephrased to:

"They looked at the setting."

In just about 110% of these cases, losing the line loses nothing from the story.
 


Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :
 
An excellent, and succinct, observation pantros. I would add to that: any first line that can be rephrased 'He/she woke up.'
 


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