Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Short Story

This is topic Short Story - 11 in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Swimming Bird (Member # 2760) on :

6k. Mainstream. Comments on opening please.

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Colin asks, "How do you feel?"

Numb, I think

"What?" I say.

Colin asks me again. It takes a while to realize he's talking about the bump.

"It's cut with too much sugar." My lip twitches a little. "Is your dealer Count-****in'-Chocula, or what?"

Colin reaches into the cellophane bag and comes back with a small mound on his pinky nail. It disappears up his left nostril.

"I can't taste it," he says.

But I can. It lingers in the back of my throat. The disgusting sweetness of it makes me want to vomit. I've never vomited in my life and I wonder how that would feel like. Maybe it'll be cool.

[This message has been edited by Swimming Bird (edited November 16, 2005).]

Posted by pantros (Member # 3237) on :

Genre, Length, what are you looking for?

Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :

I'm not sure what you need, but I'll say for now it seems good. I, personally, wouldn't keep reading, but I think what you have is well done. It just doesn't grab me. Maybe I need to know a bit more about the character before he starts snorting.

quote:
I've never vomited in my life and I wonder how that would feel like.

Never vomited? Highly unlikely. What, is he an android?

And "how that would feel like" should probably say: "what that would feel like."

Hope this helped.

Posted by Winship (Member # 2947) on :

Personally I don't like the 2nd and 3rd line. To me, they just don't fit. If I can be so bold to offer a suggestion on how it would make more sense to me.

Numb is what comes to mind, but all I can say is "What?"

Posted by Paul-girtbooks (Member # 2799) on :

This is okay, SB, and I agree with Pixydust about the vomiting.

All in all, though, this struck me as painting-by-numbers for you. You're better than this. It's too cozy. I know this kind of thing doesn't challenge you. It's almost a comfort zone. You're coasting here.

Come on, buddy, take your feet off the desk, sit up straight and really go at that keyboard.

This is your weakest post yet. Where's that freshness I first came across when reading your fragments, and which made me go, "Damn, but this cat's good."

Posted by hoptoad (Member # 2145) on :

Hey SB

My only comment is that this was ambiguous:

quote:

Colin asks, "How do you feel?"
Numb, I think
"What?" I say.

I did not know whether the character answered 'Numb' in their head or whether they were actaully numb/zombie like.

Its just a tagging thing.

I'm not really hooked yet, maybe because nothing has happened yet, but that's okay. I personally read a page or so before I know whether I want to read a story.

Maybe that disqulaifies my comments? I don't know.

I find setting up the scene is an important hook for me. More important than the in media res stuff.

Someone bashing us over the head with their story's first and most obvious point of difference (the story's Unique Selling Proposition) always strikes me as a bit hamfisted.

In other words I would read on, but not sure what I'd be in for.

[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited November 17, 2005).]

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

I totally got it. I would read on a little further at least. My problem is not clarity -- which is cool! -- but just that I don't have a reason to like MC. Wouldn't be hard to make one, I think.

Oh, yeah, about never having vomited: I assumed he's just too messed up to think straight. But if that's the case, it's not cocaine, is it? My impression is that that affects the emotion, but doesn't give delusions (except maybe of grandeur).

[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited November 18, 2005).]