****

Sterling Gunnison stood in his line as the death ship landed. He entertained the idea that he may be walking onto the same ship that carried his father into the vacuum. It was a nice thought, one that would make his job a little easier. He took a deep breath of the fresh air and held it as men in wheelchairs forced him into the ship. The breath escaped and fell into the air system where it would be shred of all its wholesomeness. With it went Sterling’s last connection to Beta Earth.

“Are you the one,” asked a young alpha woman, “the one they say that knows?”

Sterling could tell that she was alpha from her stature, slumped in her chair from the disease but otherwise dignified. She was also wearing a name-patch that said Dr. Miranda,
 

The first paragraph reads okay, but it doesn't have that certain zing that a hook needs. It's too banal. I don't care about Gunnison.

After the first paragraph, it really falls apart for me. Consider:

A young alpha wearing a name tag that read Dr. Miranda wheeled up to him. She was clearly alpha, all alphas slumped in their chairs. She made a feeble motion with her hand that resembled pointing at Sterling. "Are you the one they say that knows?"

Start the next sentence with a reference to Sterling so that it's clear he didn't say that.

But your first paragraph is a problem. I'd like to see a one or two sentence creative opening about the death ships and what's going on before you finish up with what you wrote as the first paragraph.

Hope that helps.

[This message has been edited by Spaceman (edited November 17, 2005).]
 

I don't know what "his line is"; why going on a ship his father took will make his job easier; what his job is; what's "death" about this ship . . . I think I could take having some of the peripheral things delayed, but since I really don't understand anything about what matters here, I lose interest.

 

This didn't flow too well for me. I had to read too much of it two or three times before I was able to understand (that could mean I'm a moron, though ). For example, with all of the people in the wheelchairs, I wasn't sure that your MC was walking and in a chair too.

It didn't stimulate as much visual imagery as I'd like the first reading to do. But, as I read it again, then again, I started to get a sense of surroundings.

Also, it feels contrived to read, "Are you the one," ... " the one they say that knows?". Do people really pause like that when they speak? Also, unless you're aiming for a colloquialism, it's the one who knows, not the one that knows.

lerxster at gmail dot com.

[This message has been edited by lerxster (edited November 17, 2005).]
 

Sterling could tell that she was alpha from her stature, slumped in her chair from the disease but otherwise dignified. She was also wearing a name-patch that said Dr. Miranda..."

That was the part that hooked me, though I agree with the suggestions made by Spaceman.

All that came *before* confused me a bit. I'm new at this critiquing thing so i can't really offer much advice. However, I think the first paragraph has too little information about too many things: Beta Earth, the ship he's getting on, the job he has to do, his father and the 'shredded air' . See what I mean?

Other than that, if you're looking for readers, you have one here
 

His meeting with the Dr might be where this story starts.