Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Untitled sci-fi/fantasy--work in progress

This is topic Untitled sci-fi/fantasy--work in progress in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by chadamas (Member # 3016) on :

Hey, people. Hope you don't mind me posting a fragment such a short time after registering, but I'm interested in getting some feedback on this. It's a story I was hoping to eventually turn into a novel, but which I have since abandoned somewhat. I'm thinking now, though, that I'd like to give it another try. Any comments, suggestions, criticisms, slaps, kicks, or insults would be very much appreciated.

Well, anyway...here goes:

*****

“He’s not coming, you know.” Those were the first words either of them had spoken since their arrival at the pier.
Standing with his back against the wall of Bill’s Rent-a-Boat, a cigar hanging from the corner of his mouth, Arcus offered a simple “He’ll come,” as his reply.
Daniel breathed a sigh of frustration, but said nothing more as he resumed pacing.
Arcus looked out into the water. He could hear the pitter-patter of raindrops on the faded blue tarp, which served as a canopy for the rotting wooden deck on which they stood, and that sound, though ominous in light of predicted weather conditions, somehow comforted him.

Posted by pantros (Member # 3237) on :

Welcome.

Not a bad start at all.

Identify the speaker immediatly in the first sentence. Try not to make your reader have to bounce around the page, going back to reread once he understands who is speaking when.

Break up that last sentence. Consider changing your last which to a that.

try something along the lines of:

He could hear the pitter-patter of raindrops on the faded blue tarp that hung over their heads. The sound, though ominous...

Your PoV is not consistent. Though mostly Arcus there are some hints of a Daniel PoV. Pick one and only one.

"Daniel breathed a sigh of frustration." teeters on the Daniel PoV. To anyone else, a sigh is a sigh and they can only guess why.

Edit: forgot a vital period

[This message has been edited by pantros (edited November 20, 2005).]

Posted by pantros (Member # 3237) on :

Its quite okay to post a fragment so soon after registering, but keep in mind that you will learn more by critiquing others than by having them critique you.

Posted by Natosis (Member # 3001) on :

The POV is a little confusing, and I agree with Pantros that you need to identify the speaker in the first line and break up the last line into seperate sentences.

Other than that, I really like it. I love the way you describe the scene. It makes me feel like I'm right there watching them and it also sets up the mood very well (i.e. the storm, the rotting deck, etc.)

Hope this helps.

edited for spelling

[This message has been edited by Natosis (edited November 20, 2005).]

Posted by chadamas (Member # 3016) on :

Ah, thanks a lot, guys.

I always feel like an idiot when people have to point out things like that. I can usually find and edit those in others' writing, but never seem to be able to in my own.

"Daniel sighed, but said nothing more as he resumed pacing" sounds so much better, as does the suggestion to break down that last sentence. Thanks a lot for that; I appreciate it, everybody.

Posted by Spaceman (Member # 9240) on :

Yeah, your major problem is that you don't have a point of view yet.

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

I like the tone, and the invention.

I want to know what they're talking about, immediately. Just tell us!

You can also banish those confusion demons by adding some tags earlier:

“THE CAPTAIN'S not coming, you know,” DANIEL SAID.