Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Against my previous claims...

This is topic Against my previous claims... in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by eclectic skeptic (Member # 3046) on :

Well I have decided to go against my initial claims of not wanting to post anything. But this isn't really a work in progress, more like a work abandoned, or at least this particular scene. I have decided to do so, mainly because I am interested to see how others percieve my work, and I chose this because it was written very long ago, and I am very detached from it, so go ahead and chew it up and spit it out if so inclined.

A Life in Hell

She hated him. Nothing else mattered now, not anything. When she first realized her hate for him, she had believed that over time her hate would cool, that she would eventually see and understand that he was good. He had made so many promises, and one by one she watched as he broke them. Now she knew that he was not good, that nothing in him was good, he had proven that. At first the realization of his evil crept in upon her slowly. He was not good, and her hate for him which she once thought of as problem she could overcome had only grown with each passing day, with each passing year, until now, when she knew with certainty she had to escape him, she knew that she had to be free of him. But how? Even now she knew he watched her, he watched and waited and calculated as he always did,

Now I counted this as thirteen lines in my word processor, but since this is my first attempt at posting a fragment, let me know If for some reason I went over, it is looking a little big. If so I will correct it. BTW if interested in the rest of the piece, it is only about a page and half total. I appreciate any and all comments.

[This message has been edited by eclectic skeptic (edited December 13, 2005).]

Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :

You should set your word processor with 1" margins and use 12 point Courier type to achieve your 13 lines. You are correct, you went overlength. I calculate your 13th line is this:

quote:
watched and waited and calculated as he always did, he would

As for the story content, it strikes me as too repetitive. We get it that she hates him. Telling us once is probably sufficient. I also feel too disconnected. I need character names within the first sentence or so, for both the POV character and the weasly One Who Is Hated. You might consider developing the context of this rivalry/hatred. You are starting us out with this character's intense emotions, and we cannot buy in because we don't know her, don't have a sense of whether she is justified in her feelings or just being a jerk about it. You need to give us a reason to care about her and that means letting us get a chance to know her before hatred is such a consuming force. This paragraph is not enough to hook me.

Posted by sojoyful (Member # 2997) on :

What Elan said.

Of your entire 13 lines, all I got was: she hates him, he's been a jerk, she wants out. That's not enough, because I could hang any number of scenarios on that frame.

Hate is a very strong emotion. It seeps out into words and actions, even when not intended. So, you could start with something happening, and we would learn very quickly how she felt about him by the way they interacted. He walks in, tries to kiss her good morning, and she smacks him. Or she's afraid of him, so after he says good morning, she hopes he didn't see the things she was preparing for her escape.

Something like that.

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

What Elan said, plus: it's better to let us know what the emotion is based on, before even telling us about it. That is, what happened that led her to hate him? Tell us -- or we can't relate.

Posted by Matt Lust (Member # 3031) on :

I agree with all but I want to provide a little more depth to the previous critiques but I apologize in advance for my wit.

So here goes

1)Your over use of clauses, parenthetical or otherwise. It makes your story sound like a collection of after thoughts.

2)She/he has got to go. I need a name and I need a name soon.

3) Your character sounds exceptionally paranoid and obsessive. For me this comes from the pacing which is as fluid as a car tyring to go 60 mph while the emergency brake is engaged.

4)Building off of point 3, your sentences are running marathons. Ease them back to the 100 meters and your reader will have the stamina to keep up.

Posted by Omakase (Member # 2915) on :

Yikes... I read through this and all I got was she he, she he, he she...She hates him.

There's really nothing going on here to warrant me reading further. This clubs the reader over the head with a single element and feels like one continuous run on sentence.

This stream needs to be broken up and reformulated with some characterization, details, etc.

Posted by eclectic skeptic (Member # 3046) on :

thanks for all replies, I really appreciate your input