A thousand miles and three months had not managed to erase the stench of death from John’s nostrils or mind. On a whim he had joined up with the Sixth Mississippi and found himself fighting alongside General Lee’s Army of North Virginia. He left Mississippi a wide-eyed boy who couldn’t wait to see far off places and experience something besides cotton, heat and mosquitoes. Now he was returning home a jaded man who had seen all of the world he could stomach. Supposedly he left to fight the Yankee devils but he quickly discovered those devils were seventeen year old boys just like him. They bled the same blood he did; longed for home just like he did; but unlike him many of them never got to go home.
Posted by yanos (Member # 1831) on :
You've got some style, but this is all stuff that should be woven throughout the story. Setting at the beginning is all about where he is now and what he's doing now. Think what we need to know immediately and then move the rest until later.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
Ditto.
Posted by BrianJKoch (Member # 2966) on :
I liked it. I think you did a good job of telling us what was going inside the protagonist. If I could do it as succinctly as you did, I did be happy.
Posted by Kickle (Member # 1934) on :
This is well written, easy to read and understand, but to me it is common knowledge. There is nothing in this that gives me the feeling that your MC is a unique person, that his experience in this war was out of the ordinary--in other words something I want to read about. It is good that you give us this background, but you could slip that in later. Is this just another story about a boy returning from war or is there a moment when you could start this story that shows the reader that your MC is someone interesting that we what to know more about? Also is this literary or fantasy or sifi, if it isn't literary you may want to clue the reader into that early in the story.
[This message has been edited by Kickle (edited December 14, 2005).]
Posted by tgeorge33 (Member # 3066) on :
Try this for an alternative beginning. This was orgially my second paragraph.
John was running for his life at Bloody Angle near some farm place called Gettysburg. He was out of ammunition and his bayonet was shattered. Retreat was sounding from a dozen bugles, so he ran. But the bodies were too cluttered and the smoke to thick for John to make his way out of the horror of the single deadliest day in the history of American warfare. A root reached up and grabbed John’s ankle like a demon trying to pull him down into Hades itself. Falling flat of his back the red haired youth looked into the haze to see a mustached Irishman in a blue coat with his bayonet aiming at his throat. As he drew his rifle back to deliver the full vengeance of his steel he froze.
A strange tingling vibrated in the air and the Yankee’s eyes
[This message has been edited by tgeorge33 (edited December 15, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 15, 2005).]
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
You'll need to cut that to 13 lines (in a doc with 1" margins, 12 pt font).
I like this much better. There's a reason to read. Gripping.
What I don't like is * originally I am not in the moment, but in a summary (until that root). * I don't get MC's feelings about the weirdness of what's happening (only about the scariness) * Sometimes you replace "John" with "the red-haired youth"; besides taking a little more effort, it breaks POV (John isn't thinking about what color his hair is). Similarly, he doesn't know this is the deadliest day in US war history; POV problem.
Posted by Omakase (Member # 2915) on :
A much more intrguing beginning which draws me into the story. However, since we are critiquing here, I will offer a few comments.
I agree with Will about the couple POV issues, also when he trips and falls wouldn't he fall on his face most likely? Easily remedied with *falling flat on his face he rolled over to see...*
Another POV problem is when the Irishman falls to his knees next to <a seventeen year old lad from Mississippi>. It seems like forcing the information at this point in the action.
A few minor tweeks and I think this is a great opening.
Posted by zephyr (Member # 3077) on :
Well, it sounds like you'll be going with the "second" start. So, I'll be replying to that.
I liked it. I liked the beginning, but I'd have to say what really got me into the moment was the the sound of retreat "from a dozen bugles."
I'm guessing where it say he fell "flat of his back," you meant flat on his back.
I agree that the red hair and the deadliest day do not go right with the POV you're using at this point. I also agree that the "tingling in the air" is not at all expected when it comes in. There hasn't really been any feeling of strange or wierd yet. I think this may be saved somewhat by the rest of the line, but as it is cut off it just seems out-of-place as it stands.