Hatrack River Writers Workshop: a newer version

This is topic a newer version in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by eclectic skeptic (Member # 3046) on :

This is a newer version, of the same character, but written more recently, and hopefully better than my original post. Im asking specifically in addition to whatever else you may wish to add, that if 1) This has a suitable hook. if 2) is written well enough that there is no confusion. After all writing is to be intriguing to the reader, not confusing.
With no further ado;

Deira walked purposefully as she approached the ornately decorated house of the councilman. When she was close enough to see into the windows she stopped, paying no mind to the city folk as they walked around her seemingly on their own without ever noticing her presence. She thought about her masters instructions, pulling the memory around her and allowing her mind to relive it so she wouldn't miss even the smallest directive.
He wasn't forgiving of mistakes, she had learned that early in her life, and she now made certain that she never missed anything, no matter the cost.
In her minds eye the street around her with its busy people, dropped away, and another vision of her own memory superimposed

What happens next, I will inform you now, is not a flashback per se, but as OSC has called it, a flashback as present action and it lasts less then another thirteen lines. A literary device if you will. But if it doesn't work for you, or you don't like it so soon in the story, that would be useful information.
Thanks for any and all comments.

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 17, 2005).]

[This message has been edited by eclectic skeptic (edited December 17, 2005).]

Posted by MidnightWolf_ofClan_Zero (Member # 3074) on :

newer version from...what?

Posted by eclectic skeptic (Member # 3046) on :

oh sorry for not being specific. this is another version, or rather, an entirely different scene, viewpoint, of the character originally portrayed in another post, that clip was entitled A life in Hell. This is the same woman. The main difference between this one and the last, is that this one is actually intended as a story, where the last was never really intended for an audience. (which I purposefully neglected to tell so that I could get more honest feedback about it) In fact it was more of a characterization excercise, written in semi-story format, so that I could get a feel for being inside her mind. And to that extent I think it succeeded (a process I recommend to those who are as yet unsure of their characters) You may be wondering why i posted it, if it was never intended as a story. Mainly I was looking for fallacy of thought, for inconsistent thinking on my part as I was writing. And to get a feel for how others would percieve my work, as well as for how others would critique something I knew would be taken as an inferior peice.

This one wasn't written like that, (although some may say it is still inferior )this was actually written to be included as a scene in a book.

I am sorry if I caused any confusion

Posted by MidnightWolf_ofClan_Zero (Member # 3074) on :

Dude, two words: BIG words=?

Me lost there, but I'm purty sure I got it alright.

Posted by TheBishop (Member # 3055) on :

An assassination? That was my first thought, mainly because of the master's instructions and directives, as well as the need for perfection. What are the instructions? I'm curious about that much, so it seems to work as a hook.

Why don't the city folk notice Deira? Is it because of some special ability or simply because people are generally self-absorbed and unobservant? If it's the former it could be a possible hook.

Overall I liked it. Some of the wording seems awkward and it gets wordy at points. Here's what I noticed:

"walked purposefully"... I'm not a big fan of adverbs. If Deira walked with straight back and outthrust chin (maybe not exactly the image you're looking for, but, hey, it's just an example) I would get the intended "purposeful-ness", along with a pretty image.

"ornately decorated house of the councilman"... seemed awkward to me. Perhaps "councilman's ornately decorated house" would work?

"walked around her seemingly on their own without ever noticing her presence"
Are the people walking on their own? God forbid, who taught them how to do that? Maybe I'm supposed to see the strings and wires...

quote:
She thought about her masters instructions, pulling the memory around her and allowing her mind to relive it so she wouldn't miss even the smallest directive.

I liked the connotations suggested by "pulling the memory around her". Given the sentence that follows, you seem to belabour the need for perfection a bit, although I like finding out that her master is demanding and unforgiving (possibly even cruel?).

The only other thing that bothered me was a lack of possessive apostrophes, but now I'm just being picky.

Hope this helps This being my first critique, feel free to tell me if I sound like a braying donkey-creature.

Posted by arriki (Member # 3079) on :

I think what is bothering me most is the generic feel of the descriptions.

Ornately decorated

City folk…walked around her

Her master’s instructions…pulling the memory around her

The street…with its busy people dropped away

Another vision …superimposed

All of these above could be fleshed out and be more immediate and interesting that the backstory.

I don’t think you need the further explanation of her learning early in her life. You can stuff that background information in later. Keep this opening simpler. Just say that he wasn’t forgiving of mistakes. Leave the cost and all that out. I think that is implied in his not being forgiving.

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

The one thing we really care about -- what's going on here? -- you don't tell us. We're your readers! You can trust us!

How about:

There it was, in front of her: the house where Deira was about to assassinate Councilman JoeBlow. JohnDoe, her boss, had given her specific instructions: go in the back door, blah, blah. JohnDoe wasn't forgiving of mistakes -- she'd learned that early in her apprenticeship [I thought "life" was too vague, unless you say why she knew him as a little girl].

She walked purposefully as she approached the ornately decorated house of the councilman. When she was close enough to see into the windows . . .

So in that first paragraph we find out exactly what's happening; where we are; and why we should care. We might also like a hint as to why we should care about the character.

Posted by eclectic skeptic (Member # 3046) on :

Thanks guys,

I mostly agree with what was said, and I appreciate the feedback. I honestly tried to use what was said, but that is rather difficult to pull off, as Im sure your all aware. I guesse it just takes practice

Thanks again.

[This message has been edited by eclectic skeptic (edited December 20, 2005).]