Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Great Mother, Great Father (3475 words)

This is topic Great Mother, Great Father (3475 words) in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

Would like comments. This is a rewrite: OSC says he would like this story for IGMS, but not in the form he saw it. (Cool!) So I'm hoping the rewrite is satisfactory.

The first 13 are essentially carved in stone (since OSC liked them). Of course, you're still free to say they suck!

If you offer to read this and the other thing I have up . . . this is the one I'm more interested in, in terms of speed. I'll hope to send it out in early January.

As always, thanks for any and all comments.

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The first chief of the Rapahoah Empire forced stranded time-travelers to work their technical skills to make his people great, building ships and airplanes and bombs to spread the worship of the Great Mother and subdue first the rest of North America, and then the world.

Now Europe, Asia and Africa were free again, no longer even paying tribute, but no one could stop North America from its blood sacrifices. Or from the slaughter of Cherokee and Iroquois rebels. It wasn't because of the Great Mother's help; She provides wisdom, not aid. As the entire city of Southport, destroyed by a hurricane, had reason to know.

Two days after the city flooded...

Posted by hoptoad (Member # 2145) on :

I like the first paragraph and the last part of the second but don't understand the beginning of the second.
Maybe that's just me.

I just think this part could be plainer.

quote:

Now Europe, Asia and Africa were free again, no longer even paying tribute, but no one could stop North America from its blood sacrifices.

Free from what? There is a weird POV thing happening. Has Europe, Asia and Africa once been oppressed and now broken free from the Rapahoah empire. If so, the narrator sees this as freedom -- which means they oppose the empire. That is a powerful stance but we don't know who the narrator is yet. We have no characters yet so I hope they turn up pretty quick.

BTW: How could those lands being free stop North America performing blood sacrifice anyway? Was the European, Asian and African tribute paid in human lives?

How long is this piece? If it's under 2500 words, I will read if you want.
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[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited December 20, 2005).]

Posted by Calligrapher (Member # 2985) on :

wbrigs, I'd like to read it. Please email it to me. The opening really caught my attention, making me visualize stranded time travelers and wondering how they became stranded, what they are doing now and how they are doing it. Also, I have to admit that I'm interested in seeing what OSC likes in a story submission.

Calligrapher

Posted by TL 601 (Member # 2730) on :

I love the title, but can't take on any crits right now. It sounds good, though, and the first 13 are solid.

Posted by Kickle (Member # 1934) on :

I'll read either one. Most likely it will be early next week before I get back to you. But they are short, so it could happen sooner.

Posted by Silver3 (Member # 2174) on :

Wbriggs, I'd love to read; it sounds intriguing.
Is it okay if I get back to you around Jan 3rd, though? I'm not sure I'll have time to have a full crit before I leave on Friday morning.

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

Sent!

(Hoptoad, the word count is 3475.)

Posted by NMgal (Member # 2769) on :

If you need more people to read it, send it my way.

Posted by eclectic skeptic (Member # 3046) on :

what I like about it: I love alternate history, Alvin Maker and so forth, very interesting Ideas here. No wonder OSC like it.

What I don't like: It seems like the first and second paragraphs are very disconnected, you bring up some big ideas in the first, and then you keep bringing up more of them in the second with no end in sight, it almost scares me out of the hook of wanting to know more. To me I just wanted to digest what you had already brought up.

POV is also a bit vague. it seems like your with the Emperor at first, and then it is all just narrator, and we hear nothing more about the emperor.

Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :

Will, if you are still looking for readers, I'll take a gander at it. Send to buce@charter.net with Hatrack in the subject header.

Posted by Calligrapher (Member # 2985) on :

wbriggs, I just sent you my critique.