Just looking for some feedback on the first 13. Does it hook? How's the writing? Would you keep reading? That sort of thing. Not looking for a full critique right now. Thanks in advance.
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Another string of profanities echoed along the hallway.
Beth uncurled atop her goat hides, her eyes adjusting in the moonlight from the room’s high window. “Kenian,” she whispered, reaching across. But he was not there.
Oh, Kenian, not again.
She wasn’t really surprised. Whereas she left in the mornings, after giving the place a quick cleaning and her father had gone, her twin escaped at night—sleeping the day away when he could, running on adrenaline when he must.
Beth listened to Tarn’s curses. It was true anger, not just her father’s habitual swearing. She sat up. Perhaps Kenian was on the receiving end. If so, she couldn’t just lie there.
[This message has been edited by Crotalus@work (edited January 03, 2006).]
Posted by Jessica (Member # 3099) on :
I think this does a good job of hooking the reader. It's very well written. The only problem I could see is the paragraphs. They are a bit too short and choppy. Maybe try combining a few of them so that they are longer.
Posted by DotcomRefugee (Member # 3088) on :
Wow, very nice. "Oh Kenian, not again." - Very quick and powerful way of conveying the nature of this relationship and some of the conflicts to come. I can see now why First Thirteen critiquing is such a great learning experience.
Would I read on? Most definitely. Hook? Just to see what the argument is about, and what the deal is with Kenian. Impressions? Goat hides, moonlight, and proper names seem to imply a fantasy genre.
I wouldn't change a thing in this opening thirteen.
Posted by Silver3 (Member # 2174) on :
It works. Just one nit: I feel you should wait a little before mentioning the father's name. Come to think of it, he's her father. Why doesn't she think of him as "father"? In fact, the way she thinks of him varies in those first 13: at first, it's "her father", and then "Tarn". Don't start the confusion now: stick to one name, for the time being. There'll always be time to give his first name later on. One other thing you need to clarify very quickly (but not necessarily in the 1st 13) is the settting: goat's hides suggest a rather primitive dwelling, which is at odds with the building's having a hallway. Not necessarily bad, but again, you'll need to address the issue at some point.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
Mostly, I think you've got a hook (say I, who rarely read fantasy, which I'm assuming this is). There are just some things I need to know earlier in this text, which are easily added:
As soon as you mention Kenian, tell us who he is. I can't enjoy her unease until I know who she's uneasy about.]
As soon as there's a string of profanities, tell us who's making them (Beth knows).
Also, I'm a little uneasy about Beth and Kenian sharing a bed (or was she "reaching across" something else?). How old are they? Beth seems adult to me.
But overall, nice work!
Posted by NMgal (Member # 2769) on :
I think the hook works - I would keep reading. the only problem I ran into was this:
quote:Whereas she left in the mornings, after giving the place a quick cleaning and her father had gone, her twin escaped at night
That sentence just seems a little awkward. Otherwise, I think it's well-written.
Posted by Crotalus@work (Member # 2959) on :
As usual, great feedback. Silver3, once you see the condition of the hallways it becomes obvious that this is a dwelling in decline. I will probably go back and make 'father' the consistent label for Tarn. Will, Beth and Kenian are 12. He stays at her side to protect her from her older brothers, as explained later. Thanks all! Now if I can just keep it up and get an editor to keep reading
