Alright, no more pirahnas. And it's still a bit of a bait and switch, but, I think this is a little funnier anyway.
Eddie Fencer was being bitten by a shark. Fortunately for him, it was a small shark. He was attempting to feed it a piece of squid, but the shark, an eight-incher named Sally, was more interested in trying to devour his hand. It wasn't working at all well for Sally. He put the lid back on the banded cat shark tank and moved on to the next aquarium in the line, checking temperature and salinity as he went along. He pulled out a rusty razor blade and looked at it a moment. Better start on the freshwater tropicals, he thought. Eddie was careful to always move quickly but deliberately so as not to scratch the glass or knick the silicon edges.
---Thanks for the feedback so far.
Posted by Johnmac1953 (Member # 3118) on :
Shame to lose the little fish OK, a small shark mmmm...I'm still missing those little... Oh alright! The page you've reworked is more informative, and has a little tension and humour even. Eddie obviously like his job, he knows what he's about. As an invite to turn over the page...I would!
Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :
Hmmm.... I hadn't read the original post, so this was my first exposure to your story. You have him pull out a razor blade and think "I'd better get started on the tropicals." No mention of algea, or that he's using the razor blade to scrape the sides of the tank. So I picture him terrorizing the fish.
By the way, only a very poor fish-keeper has a bunch of algea in the tank. Algea is a sign that something is amiss. Either your character should get a plecostomus or two, or do some adjustment on the pH balance of his water. (I used to be Marketing Manager for a pet store chain.)
You said: "It wasn't working at all well for Sally."
That sentence doesn't work well for me. It's confusing. Better if you said something like: "Sally wasn't having much luck." You could add humor by adding: "But she seemed to be an optimist because she kept trying." Or something to that effect.
I like the idea of Sally and the fish keeper. I'd turn the page...
Posted by EthanK (Member # 2838) on :
Regardless of how well you take care of a tank, you'll get algae here and there in a store environment that needs cleaning. I cleaned tanks for a living for several years.
Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :
I missed that this was in a store environment. I would disagree, however, that algea always happens in a retail environment. When I was working for the pet store, I never once saw algea in our fish tanks, and we had 17 stores in two states, with an average of maybe 20-30 tanks per store.
Of course, there were other issues... there was the case of the neighboring retailer who came unglued when all their electricity went down and they pulled up floorboards to access the electrical wiring and found a hamster nest. The hamsters had chewed through the wires that controlled their electronic cash registers. Some pets are difficult to control.
Posted by EthanK (Member # 2838) on :
You were exceedingly lucky then. I've worked in 3 separate locations over the years, and all had different types of algae depending on what was sub-par about the water at the time. Green usually indicated good water quality with phosphates that would inevitably creep up, brown was typically high nitrates, and red cyanobacteria is actually not an algae, but its the worst to get rid of because nothing eats it.
Posted by apeiron (Member # 2565) on :
I haven't read your other version, but the first thing that catches my attention here is that you skip how Eddie gets his hand away from the shark. And I don't understand why Sally is having problems eating his hand. She's little so she can just get a hold of a finger? Even that would hurt like he**! Is he wearing gloves? I'm just...confused by this scene.
And, until I read the comments, I had absolutely no clue what use he'd have for a razor blade.
And I have no clue where he is. Is this a pet store? Some sort of aquarium? This doesn't necessarily have to be answered in your first 13, but I hope you give us a clue soon after.
OK, a small shark mmmm...I'm still missing those little...