The dune buggy races across the sand, creating a red cloud of dust behind it. It skirts around a large boulder and flies towards the building. The building is a metal dome which glints in the sunlight its metallic color dulled by the red dust which is every where. The dune buggy stops by the building and a door slides open for it to move into the interior. The driver moves slowly through the protective plastic which keeps the atmosphere stable in the dome. Once inside the driver removes her hat, goggles, and face covering. She shakes out her long auburn hair and looks around the building. The interior is covered in plant life with a small spring gurgling in the center of the area. The lush greens, vibrant
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 07, 2006).]
Posted by Shendülféa (Member # 2964) on :
So far I am not hooked. What you have here is just exposition: a description of setting. Nothing is happening. It almost sounds as if you are describing the scenes during the opening credits of a movie. Instead we need to have an idea of what the plot is, a scene of action, or something along those lines. What is your MC doing, for instance? What is she thinking? Why is she in this place? And so forth.
Posted by Calligrapher (Member # 2985) on :
The present tense will eventually trip you up and you will probably revert to past tense. Its also difficult to read. My guess is you are describing the scene as you are visualizing it in your head, therefore you feel present tense is appropriate. If you write in past tense, its easier for the reader to visualize.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
I think you're going for cinematic POV here, which to me isn't as satisfying as third person limited. Your call, of course. But I wasn't hooked, either. At first I thought the dune buggy was the character, but now I find it's just a woman who drives a buggy to an arboretum sort of thing.
Tell us, I think, why we should read your story, in the first line of the text, or at least the beginning of paragraph 2.
Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :
I feel like I'm watching a video game.
I do NOT want to feel like I'm watching a video game when I read a story. Shift into a different tense. This style won't serve you well if your story is very long.
By the way, we like to have a word count and a genre when you post a fragment, as well as some idea as to whether you are seeking a crit on this fragment only, or is the story a longer piece and you are asking for readers?
Posted by hoptoad (Member # 2145) on :
Hey Darriel I like the imagery your have described. 2 points for what they're worth 1: On first reading I thought the buggy was flying. 2: On first reading I thought a door slid open on the buggy, kind of like a hatch might. (Even though it was obvious second time round, I think it was the multiple 'it' referring to multiple things.)
Because of this, the passage did not make sense so I reread it. I may just be extra-dopey but it might pay to make sure the action, what's happening and how, is crystal clear.
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited January 09, 2006).]