Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Working title Vectasy? (Third Revision)

This is topic Working title Vectasy? (Third Revision) in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Jonny Woopants (Member # 3004) on :

Grimwood loved technology. The way it made it possible to engineer the construction of a three hundred storey luxury apartment block like Atlas House. The way it made it possible to drawer the blinds to Apartment 562 with a double click of his fingers, not to mention take high-rez images of the crime scene in the lounge with his PDA, all the while uploading the case details gathered thus far to his dead wife in the City’s Graveyard Drive on the other side of town.
Grimwood loved technology.
He wasn’t so keen on dead bodies.

Posted by krazykiter (Member # 3108) on :

Seriously, knock it down to simply:

Grimwood loved technology. He hated dead bodies.

Build your story out of the intersection of those two thoughts. Could be a good techno-mystery or techno-thriller.

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

Since you're going for humor, I think "wasn't so keen" is right. Otherwise: ditto.

Posted by krazykiter (Member # 3108) on :

Whoops. My bad on that one. Should have been "wasn't so keen." Conclusive proof looking and seeing are two entirely different things...

...now where did I put those glasses? :-)

Posted by Jessica (Member # 3099) on :

I think it was a good hook. Maybe cut down on the number of sentences in between the first and the last--would the character be thinking about the curtains when there was a dead body there?

Posted by Jonny Woopants (Member # 3004) on :

Actually that was what I had originally wrote, funnily enough. But changed it last night on re-reading the first chapter.

Not sure whether I should change it back now, seeing as you sub-consciously modified it. I'm not necessarily aiming for humor in the opening paragraph, and the juxtaposition between love and hate does seem to be more striking...ho hum decisions decisions

The reason I've posted the first paragraph was because I wasn't sure about the opening, either. Something bugged me about it and you've both confirmed my suspicions, I should just ditch the lot and start with intersection of those two thoughts.

Many Thx

[This message has been edited by Jonny Woopants (edited January 09, 2006).]

Posted by Jonny Woopants (Member # 3004) on :

I realise its polite to wait a while before replying to a crit on F&F, but I'm going away for the next two days and I would love to come back to a crit on the rewrite based on your comments so far...

Grimwood loved technology. He hated dead bodies.
With a double click of his fingers the blinds drew smoothly across the window, thrice and the lights came on.
Marco Devere had loved technology, too, he suspected, taking a high rez snapshot of a cream leather three-piece with two clear indents in the cushions.
Not anymore.
The image of the computer programmer sprawled belly up in front of the sofa would live with him forever, he realised. He didn’t need a personal digital assistant to store that one. Though he’d taken a few snapshots anyway, just in case.
The frozen expression on Devere’s deathly white face was like something out of a B movie

Posted by krazykiter (Member # 3108) on :

MUCH better. Gets us into the action much faster.

"With a double-click of my fingers" - Is he snapping his fingers or using a mouse?

I like the way you establish a connection between Grimwood and the victim. Nice touch.

Posted by arriki (Member # 3079) on :

What bothers me first is the intrusion of the dead bodies idea between Grimwood loving tech and Marco loving tech.

Grimwood loved technology. Marco Devere had loved technology, too, Grimwood suspected. Not anymore. With a double click of Grimwood’s fingers the blinds drew smoothly across the window, thrice and the lights came on.

The image of the computer programmer sprawled belly up in front of the sofa would live with him forever. The frozen expression on Devere’s deathly white face was like something out of a B movie. Grimwood took a high rez snapshot of a cream leather three-piece with two clear indents in the cushions. He hated dead bodies.

Or something more in that series of ideas. I don’t think all the mention of the gadgetry works here. I think your focus is on his hating dead bodies and that gets lost. But, then again, I can be very wrong.

Posted by raconteuse (Member # 3119) on :

I'm commenting on your revised 13 lines.

I like the scene as an opening for a chapter. I'm not sure this particular rewrite works well because related ideas are not kept together.

For example,

" Marco Devere had loved technology, too, he suspected, taking a high rez snapshot of a cream leather three-piece with two clear indents in the cushions. "

The reader has to stop and think about which technology-lover is taking, or in the habit of taking high resolution snapshots. It might also be helpful to use proper names instead of pronouns as much as possible to avoid any confusion about the dead man and the detective.

I would reorganise along these lines:

Grimwood loved technology. He hated dead bodies.

Grimwood suspected that M.D. had loved technology, too. A double click of his fingers drew the blinds smoothly across the window, thrice turned the lights on in D's flat. G took a high res snapshot of the dead computer programmer. The frozen expression on Devere’s deathly white face was like something out of a B movie. G wasn't going to need to access personal digital assistant to remember the look ok D's face.

Just a suggested progression. I think there are lots of good ideas in this opening, they just might be presented in a different order.