quote:
“I’m not looking forward to school today,” Aaron said as he sat at the tree stump that served as a kitchen table with his sister and parents. Behind him the rock waterfall gurgled. “I have to be Lenin in History, sit in the Hot Seat, and answer questions the kids ask me about Communism.”“Well, honey, I know you don’t like speaking in front of people, but I’m sure you’ll be fine.” Mom put another grilled tomato from the fire on his plate, earning her a weak smile from her son. The juicy tomato burst in his mouth just as his rear end grew burning hot, causing Aaron to jump to his feet and scream. His jeans were on fire.
Immediately Dad and Mom also stood up, and both made odd signals with their hands. Alana stayed where she was and giggled.
As you rewrite you want might to watch the order of your ideas. Sentences like:
"Aaron said as he sat at the tree stump that served as a kitchen table with his sister and parents."
are funny because you mean to say that Aaron sat with his sister and parents at the table. As it is written, I could assume that the tree stump and the family serve as a table.
On a practical note, I'd expect the parents to immediately extinguish their kid, not waste time making obscure hand signals
I thought that Aaron was a convincing kid, and I liked his relationship with his sister.
I'm afraid I also have the impression that you're trying to write well, talking about waterfalls gurgling and juicy tomatoes bursting in someone's mouth. (I'm not saying you had that in mind, but that's my reaction: it made me think about the text rather than Aaron's world.) It would make me skip a little to see if anything else interesting was going to happen.
This is really really a nit, but I think it's worth mentioning: "This happened *as* that happened" is a sentence construction that draws my attention, because I don't think it's a natural way of speaking.
[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited January 12, 2006).]
But I don't form that firm an image from the 1st 13. I figure they're more to grab my interest, and I look forward to the rest of the story to clear up the niggling questions I might have had left concerning the setting.
On the opening itself, if there is no connection (as I presume) between Aaron's rear on fire and the tomato in his mouth, I'd consider rewording the sentence, because that was the impression I got from reading it.
And "gurgle" might either be a bit too much, or begging for a tad more description afterwards. Depends what style you want to establish.
My 2 cents.
Oh, and for the record: after reading this, I hesitated between the alternate history and the weird family in a modern-day world. What made me not so hot on the alternate history was the likelihood they would also have a Lenin who was associated with Communism. But I was waiting for some clarification.
[This message has been edited by Silver3 (edited January 13, 2006).]
Rather than say his pants are on fire as a simple statement, see if you can find a way to indicate at the time that the sister did something. Maybe just before he notices the heat he hears his sister whisper magic syllables...
From your later posts, it sounds like an ineresting story, but for some reason the opening didn't quite hook me. Stories like this work better for me if the writer establishes the mundane first, then slowly works the fantastic in a little at a time. For example, let us see Aaron as this typical school kid, then he comes home to this really odd family life. The way it is written, the fantastic appears to be the mundane but later transforms back to being fantastic. It might feel like a letdown to readers who were expecting a world where magic is real to find just the everyday world is the setting.
I had to read the line where his mother puts another tomato on his plate twice... mainly because of the second half, not the first. I think the wording after that comma threw me off track a bit.
I also second the advice to rework the whole gluteal spontaneous combustion bit. Make sure it's obviously connected to his classroom worries (if that was your intention in the first place).
The line where his parents stand is also a bit awkward...the comma interferes with 'and' in my opinion. It makes the flow of the sentence choppy. Perhaps '...stood up, both making...' would work better. 'Odd signals' is fine with me, as long as the characters themselves consider them strange. For some reason, the parents' reaction evoked a mental image: that of a first contact situation between humans and aliens, where two aliens jerk backward in surprise at an instictively-offered human hand. Don't know why...that's just the picture I saw in my mind's eye.
Inkwell
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"The difference between a writer and someone who says they want to write is merely the width of a postage stamp."
-Anonymous
This is near-present, alternate universe where magic works and the people are at ease in the outdoors.
BTW, Mike, this was from a flash challenge last month or so.