Ok, this isn't thirteen lines--it's only one, but I've said it three ways and I don't know which way sounds best or if one particular way sounds to cliche-ish.
Here are the options:
The words swelled in my throat—I couldn’t finish it.
The words lumped in my throat—I couldn’t finish it.
The words formed a lump in my throat—I couldn’t finish it.
I'm don't know which is better. Anybody have any suggestions? Thanks!!
Posted by Talisker (Member # 3129) on :
The third one. Swelling to me has a more medical feel to it. The verb "lumped" doesn't feel right to me, but the third one seems to work best.
How about "the words caught in my throat" or "the words stuck in my throat"?
Posted by Johnmac1953 (Member # 3118) on :
How about - I choked on the words I should have said... Don't let one phrase bog your story down Jessica, I speak from experience...sheesh I wish somebody had told me back then! Best Wishes John MC...
Posted by Rahl22 (Member # 1411) on :
Yes. Unless you're done with the whole story and are in the middle of a massive line-by-line revision, just move on. Consequently, I prefer the second line. It's shorter.
Posted by Corky (Member # 2714) on :
And if you want to avoid cliche (which a lump in the throat might be), think of some other metaphor for what you're describing.
quote:My throat became a bottleneck so the rest of the words couldn't get out.
The words crashed together in a gridlock (or traffic jam) that wouldn't allow any more out of my mouth.
My panic (or whatever) tackled the words, and they piled on each other till nothing more came out.
My (whatever) sent the words into a landslide that blocked anything more from coming out.
All kinds of metaphors for hindering those words.
[This message has been edited by Corky (edited January 13, 2006).]
Posted by LMermaid (Member # 2778) on :
I liked the first one. It flows the best and has a more dynamic quality than the other two.
Posted by pantros (Member # 3237) on :
#3
Don't worry about whether it's cliche or not as long as this particular sentence isn't a focal point in the scene.
It's a simple idea you are trying to communicate. Cliche means that it will be understood. Don't over complexificate.
Posted by Jessica (Member # 3099) on :
Thanks for all the feedback. Unfortunately, I am doing a line by line (by line by line--does it ever end?) I think I'm going to go with what I originally had-- a simply "She couldn't say it." Once I've had a good nights rest, I think that it works best--but thanks for helping me out--I probably wouldn't have made the decision at all with out everyone's suggestions.
[This message has been edited by Jessica (edited January 13, 2006).]
Posted by x__sockeh__x (Member # 3069) on :
If you haven't decided yet, I like the first one. But I would suggest changing it to them, since you're talking about the words, and not the word.
