Hatrack River Writers Workshop: One Who Sees Ch1: Party Favors

This is topic One Who Sees Ch1: Party Favors in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by raconteuse (Member # 3119) on :

Thanks to everyone who commented on my Prologue post. The critiques were such a great jump start to revising the rest of the Prologue, that I'd like to have feedback on the first 13 of Chapter 1.

This is a near-future sociological science fiction novel (109,400 words long).

I wrote this between two fantasy novels. Am I loading too much science into the opening? I am braced for comments about the properties of plexiglass, and welcome any suggestions for different materials to use.

Most importantly, would you keep reading?

A twenty-centimeter-thick plexiglass wall separated Dr. Heinrich Glessen from the best thing that had ever happened to him. Through the glass, Dr. Glessen could watch the Pharows mill about in their natural habitat. Glessen could tell the old from the young, the Lingots from the Narises.
The plexiglass was a curiosity to the Pharows. Every day Lingots and Narises flocked like tourists to the Cote d'Azure to see the plexiglass wall that the Company techs had built on one side of their excavated tunnel. Dr. Glessen believed the Narises could pick up his scent, and the scent of the research team, even through the plexiglass. The Lingots could make out little of the nature of humanity by sliding their long, purple-black tongues over the surface of the glass. Streaks of dried saliva smeared

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 18, 2006).]

Posted by RedSakana (Member # 3127) on :

I think the creatures are interesting, but the way that you introduce them is a bit scientific/detached for my taste. The opening might work better if you described one instance of a Lingot licking the glass rather than telling the reader what Lingots do in general. In other words, show the critters doing something rather than telling about what sorts of things they do. Also, telling the reader things like "The Lingots could make out little of the nature of humanity..." makes me wonder how the POV character would know this if he doesn't know enough of their language to even say goodbye.

So, to answer your questions: I did feel like the science in the opening was intrusive/distracting, but the critters were interesting enough that I probably would read at least a bit more.

(EDIT: I need to wait until after Kathy comes through and cuts things down to 13 lines--this is the second time I've made a comment referencing the last line of a post and then that line disappears!)

[This message has been edited by RedSakana (edited January 18, 2006).]

Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :

The biggest thing I'd say that sticks out about this opening, is that nothing really happens. I get intorduced to a creature, but I don't know my POV character any better then when you popped him into the first sentence. This would keep me from reading any more.

Try and let us get to know the main POV character of this scene first, then throw all this other stuff at us.

My 2 cents....

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

What pixydust said, plus: I still don't know what the aliens are. Intelligent? Social? Some vague reference to body form?

Nits:
I can't believe any scent can get *through* Plexiglas. So I thought Dr. Whatshis was naive.

The spelling is Plexiglas, one s. Yeah, that's weird. It's a brand name.

Posted by Johnmac1953 (Member # 3118) on :

As has been said... maybe start with the creature licking the 'glass'...why is he watching instead of interacting?
Are they dangerous?
What about eye contact?
Another name for the 'glass may have to be forthcoming if it is a brand name...
This is OK...a kind of faint line between curiousity and disgust is enough to read on...
Best Wishes
John Mc...

Posted by NathanClark (Member # 3149) on :

Unless there's someone else on the doctor's side of the Plexiglas(TM) that I don't know about, Dr. Heinrich Glessen is apparently the point of view in this scene. By telling me about the people/creatures/monsters, you're really just telling me what the doctor thinks of them--which is fantastic, if your focus is on the doctor rather than the Lingots and Narises. If this is the case, these lines are fantastic--just continue to focus on the doctor, or have some event on either side of the barrier change the focus to whatever you are wanting it to be.

Posted by arriki (Member # 3079) on :

The Lingots could make out little of the nature of humanity by sliding their long, purple-black tongues...

This line bothers me. The first part and the second don't match up somehow.

It could be as simple as an "a" in the first part--

The Lingots could make out a little of the nature of humanity by sliding their long, purple-black tongues

--which doesn't make sense to me. How can licking the glass tell them anything, but that's a different kind of a nit. I guess they can somehow in your story.

Posted by yanos (Member # 1831) on :

Why? Give me a reason for him being there. So far you delve immediately into the creatures instead of letting me see what the POV character is upto. Scent is a micture of airborne chemicals. Unless the plexiglas had some vents it would be diffucult to believe it would carry through. Basically if air does not carry through the glass neither would scent, which tend to be larger molecules.

Posted by raconteuse (Member # 3119) on :

Re: Plexiglas/plexiglass

I've alternated between the choice of these two words so many times! Many of you have pointed out the correct way of writing Plexiglas. But as Johnmac1953 noted, it is much better to avoid using trademarks when writing/publishing.

So I did some research and found two different sources (American Heritage Dictionary and Princeton University's WordNet) who note:
"This trademark also occurs in many instances lowercased and spelled plexiglass"

So I had settled on using the non-trademarked, lower case version of the word.

I've been so concerned that an editor is going to jump at "plexiglass" with his red pen and chuck out the manuscript, that I have been seriously considering using another material- just to avoid this conundrum!

One last note- is there a word count (as opposed to a line count) available as a guideline for postings? I double checked my post for length and came up with 12.5 both times. I would have been happy to run a word count on the post to save Kathy (and commenters) time!

Posted by LMermaid (Member # 2778) on :

It felt awkward to me to have the thickness of the plexiglass mentioned in the first line. It might be better to say something like, "Dr. Heinrich Glessen looked through the plexiglass at the best thing that had ever happened to him." Then you can mention the thickness later.

Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :

quote:
is there a word count (as opposed to a line count) available as a guideline for postings? I double checked my post for length and came up with 12.5 both times. I would have been happy to run a word count on the post to save Kathy (and commenters) time!

My name is Kathleen, not Kathy, okay?

It's not a word count. It's a line count because we're talking about the first page of a properly prepared manuscript--13 lines of 12-point courier font on 8.5x11-inch paper with 1-inch margins.

Will the reader of your properly prepared manuscript be interested enough to continue reading and therefore turn to the second page?