Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Eggshells--Prologue

This is topic Eggshells--Prologue in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by EthanK (Member # 2838) on :

So, I've decided to open with a prologue. I don't feel there's quite enough momentum with my other opening, and this might set it up in a slightly more enigmatic way. In any case, maybe a certain degree of context would be in order after some initial reactions to this 13? Please let me know. Thanks everyone. Here goes:
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"Ben! Stop! Don't leave me behind!" shouted Eddie on the verge of tears.

Ben was walking faster than his younger brother could keep up. He was tracing an elaborate route along the edge of the river, weaving in and out of tall, encompassing willows, taunting and jeering at his sibling from between the bowers.
Ben poked his head through the green tendrils a few seconds later and smirked back at him. Even from ten feet away Eddie could see that distinctive white spot in his brother's hair.

"You're supposed to defend your base, stupid," he said.

"I want to go back to mommy."

"Don't be such a little baby. And besides, she's not your mommy. You know that."

Posted by hoptoad (Member # 2145) on :

This is promising, but has a few problems in my opinion.
A writer wanting to create 'enigma' is a big red flag to me. I like a story told plain but told well without trying to be clever or mysterious. It usually just winds up opaque when they try to do that. Especially when they withhold important information from the reader that the characters already know. As a reader, I will usually get more enjoyment from a story if I'm in on the secret.

1: I think you should put the first line after the second one, it seems to read better when you start with action rather than dialogue.

2: At the end it is confusing who is saying what and when, it needs to be better tagged.

3: Ten feet doesn't seem very far to be saying: "even at ten feet you could see the distinctive white spot..." maybe a hundred feet. But right now it just reads as an excuse to tell us Eddie has a white spot.

Having said that, I was still hooked enough to keep reading, escpecially with the "she's not your mommy..." comment. However the dialogue tagging did stuff up the effect of that line. You have a nice ratio of description and action happening here.

PS : I would change "smirked back at him" to "smirked at him" to avoid the possible interpretation that Eddie had smirked first.

[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited January 19, 2006).]

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

I'm hooked. My nit:

"Ben! Stop! Don't leave me behind!" shouted Eddie on the verge of tears.

would work better I think as

"Ben! Stop! Don't leave me behind!" shouted Eddie. He was on the verge of tears.

...because as it is, I had a picture of him standing on a verge.

I didn't get that you were keeping secrets from the reader; if you did, I ditto hoptoad. Everything else, I ditto hoptoad.