Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Love, Hope, and Happiness (2,497 words

This is topic Love, Hope, and Happiness (2,497 words - Realistic Fiction) in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by plumeh (Member # 3160) on :

As the rain pounded on my window like the tapping of a nail on a book, I pictured yesterdays cheerleading tryouts. My best friends and I tried out together and we thought it went great. We were a little insecure about whether we would make it or not, But at least we can say we tried.

I rolled over and saw my alarm clock flashing 6:30 am. I decided I might as well get up. When I walked downstairs to the sweet smell of the bacon in the frying pan, I couldn’t stop thinking about how regular my life was. Nothing EVER happened in the town of Kahia Bay. Everyday was the same old thing. Wake-up, eat breakfast, take a shower, and go to school. I wished something interesting would happen for once. Something out of the ordinary. Something exciting!

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If you would like to read more, click the email button above my post and I will send it to you.

Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :

while I am always fond of stories that open with bacon, I think that perhaps this one might be stronger if you spent less time telling us that nothing ever happens, and open when something actually does happen. This really feels to me like it's starting in the wrong place.

Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :

A nail tapping on a book. Who taps a nail on a book?

Ohhhhh, a fingernail. Ha!

I second Beth. You start out with a memory. This is never a good idea, and it shows that you are--most likely--starting in the wrong place.

Try showing us the cheerleading try-outs.

Posted by arriki (Member # 3079) on :

My opinion – I would be more intrigued if you started with your line -- Nothing ever happened in the town of Kahia Bay. Why? Because the moment you say that I, as reader, KNOW that something IS going to happen in Kahia Bay.

Considering the idea that the first paragraph can hold almost anything and still be read, I would be okay if you went on with this line of thought -- as in…

Nothing ever happened in the town of Kahia Bay. Every day was the same old thing. Wake-up, eat breakfast, take a shower, and go to school.

The--
Every day was the same old thing. Wake-up, eat breakfast, take a shower, and go to school. – does some work in pointing out who our pov character is. School age kid. Probably middle school or high school, I’d guess. A grown-up would list the last item as "go to work" so the school pretty much places the pov as a kid.

I do not believe the first paragraph belongs here. It is on a different subject. It does show us this is a girl pov. But the nothing happening doesn’t work – for me – with her telling about the cheerleading tryouts. Something, minor, but something that did indeed happen.

Does this make any sense?

Anyway, after telling that nothing ever happened, you could begin painting in the something that is going to happen?

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

I'm with arriki: "Nothing ever happens here" is a hook. Of course, I'll need something else real soon to keep me hooked.

Posted by krazykiter (Member # 3108) on :

I'll third arriki's motion. Start with "Nothing EVER happened in the town of Kahlia Bay", and go from there, preferably giving us something exciting.

Posted by arriki (Member # 3079) on :

I've been thinking over that list of ways nothing ever hapens.

While your list of mundane items does give the reader some insight to the character, it is only mildly interesting.

Could you perhaps list three things that the pov wishes might happen to enliven her life/the town?

For example -- not your pov's wishes but like this --

No terrorists were going to invade Smith High School and hold Mrs. Connors' trig class hostage right before the big test today. And mean old Mrs. Jones next door was safe from aliens beaming her and her nasty little poodle up into their space ship and carrying them away to experiment on. Worst of all, Jimmy Southron was not going to come down with something long-term and needing quarantine so he wouldn't carry through his threat to beat me up today after PE class.

Umm...not great, but do you see where I'm trying to go? A more interesting list of things?

[This message has been edited by arriki (edited January 23, 2006).]