He gazed from afar at the once mighty buildings that were now a towering inferno. Several large fires shot out from the edifices where Robert had just worked, not 1 day ago. The streets of New York were in a mad frenzy; citizens shoving each and other’s out the way. The Leord Industry towers were almost completely destroyed now. He could hear a plane overhead.
In the most peculiar way, he continued to stand, in a halfway mix of bewilderment, and interest. It seemed as though he were completely oblivious to the fact, though he did not know yet, 25,000 people were in the process of death. As if reawakening him by surprise, a massive fire ball spat out of the 3rd of 4 towers, in the complex. Another plane must have hit, in turn killing all the more.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 26, 2006).]
First comment, This is too long. We only post first 13 lines (as determined by placing text into courier 12pt into a US paper sized document with 1 inch borders).
To make it easy, I think the text should end with the line:
"As if reawakening him by surprise, a massive fire ball spat out of the 3rd of 4 towers, in the complex."
Second: How long is it? What sort of genre etc?
Interesting set-up.
The story is clearly based on the World (Leord) Trade Towers destruction. You use some author intrusions like 'most assuredly' and 'most peculiar' which seems like an unusual phrase especially for Robert who is/should be in shock. Authorial Intrusion is where the reader is yanked out of the story by something the author has done to break the 'spell'.
It may be your style, I don't know. But when you say something like 'In the most peculiar way' it makes us think 'ahh! the author is talking to me...'
The language is very passive and I think this should all be told more actively from Robert's point of view--from within his head--rather than the point of view you have chosen.
For instance:
'He could hear a plane overhead. '
could be 'A plane roared overhead Robert ducked instinctively, his mind racing. What's going on? '
That sort of thing
Lines like:
In the most peculiar way, he continued to stand, in a halfway mix of bewilderment, and interest.
Could simply be: He stood in a halfway mix of bewilderment and interest.
Lastly, I think you have an interesting start. Keep going.
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited January 24, 2006).]
You're telling us what he *isn't* aware of. This is omniscient; OK, but most seem to prefer 3rd person limited.
The debatable thing: we don't know what he knows. It's some time before I have any idea that there's an airplane involved in the fire. 25K people? Some plane: or is it a stadium? I don't know what's happening, and that's a shame, because I think if I did, I'd be riveted.