Original: They stood blinking in the sunlight as the bay door slowly opened and became a ramp leading downwards. The Landing Party looked like four businessmen who had just travelled six floors in a lift, rather than halfway across a galaxy. They stepped out into the sunshine and made for the speeder that was ready to take them to the Local Ministry. It’s doors hissed shut and off they went, almost silently. This was the planet Paxon, and the Inspection Visit was supposed to be merely routine.
Is this any better?
Phil
Jim Clarkson landed the spaceship on Paxon for what was supposed to be just another routine Inspection Visit. The four members of the Landing Party got ready to disembark and Jim pressed the door-release switch. Sunshine streamed into the ship and the Landing Party made their way outside towards the waiting speeder. It set off taking them to the Local Ministry.
[This message has been edited by pdm_joker (edited January 27, 2006).]
Posted by pdm_joker (Member # 3187) on :
OOPS! How about this?
Jim Clarkson landed the Inspection Ship on Paxon for what was supposed to be just another routine Inspection Visit. The four members of the Landing Party got ready to disembark and Jim pressed the door-release switch. Sunshine streamed into the ship and the Landing Party made their way outside towards the waiting speeder which set off for the Local Ministry.
Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :
Any better than what? You should post revisions as an addendum into the original fragment if you want people to make comparisons.
Posted by arriki (Member # 3079) on :
Now, I may be the only one who feels this way...but...I think your original opening had more class.
This is too...mundane? for my taste. Well, it's too breezy. You state the situation -- tell it to us -- rather than show it. And, I know, you can't show everything, but right here needs something more. I'll think on it tonight while I throw papers on people's lawns.
[This message has been edited by arriki (edited January 27, 2006).]
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
I prefer this, but I think it still needs work. You have an identifiable protagonist, but we aren't in his thoughts, and we don't know why the events described are significant (to him or to anyone else).
Consider this:
quote:Jim Clarkson landed the Inspection Ship on planet Paxon. The inspector wouldn't expect anything beyond routine, but Jim couldn't help worrying: if the inspector found out about the diamond smuggling operation, Jim didn't trust his partners not to turn state's evidence
or
quote:Jim Clarkson landed the Inspection Ship on planet Paxon. Another routine inspection visit. If he had to go to one more planet, seeing nothing but the inside of airports and petty bureaucrats' offices, he'd . . . well, he'd do exactly what he always did: grind his teeth and bear it. People paying with government money paid well.
See, I don't know what's significant in your story... but you do. Tell your readers! Then we'll know why we care that these people are traveling.
Posted by yanos (Member # 1831) on :
I agree with Will. You are still concentrating on setting too much and not on character. How does your POV character feel about all of this? Some things need to be shown others can be told. It depends on importance. So keep going. You're heading in the right direction.
Posted by arriki (Member # 3079) on :
This second way has no really enticing hook -- for me. You are explaining stuff instead of letting me live it.
A hook might be --
It was supposed to be another routine inspection.
That raises expectations for me, as a reader.
[This message has been edited by arriki (edited January 28, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by arriki (edited January 28, 2006).]
Posted by pdm_joker (Member # 3187) on :
I prefer this and hope it is getting there - thx to all.
The next Inspection Visit was the planet Paxon, and pilot Jim Clarkson skilfully landed his ship on the Lower Plane. He watched the four members of the Landing Party disembark, making their way to the nearby speeder which would whisk them to the Local Ministry. Good Riddance. Clarkson didn’t like bureaucracy or bureaucrats at the best of times and he loathed the Landing Party.
Any better?
Phil
[This message has been edited by pdm_joker (edited January 28, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by pdm_joker (edited January 28, 2006).]
Posted by Infinity007 (Member # 3121) on :
I'm not hooked. There is the one line about it being the routine inspection and all but its not enough for me. Plus, we've all been through a lot of stories where we hear "this was supposed to be a routine/normal/just another." Its fine to say it and it does start the wheels churning but I feel it needs more to really grab someone.